TVF5: Camp Vamp
by roxypony
Summary: Just your typical TVF camping trip. And jailbreak. Praise the lord, IT'S FINALLY DONE. 2 YEARS LATER.
1. We Love Summer

Heyy everyone! *tacklehugs* So apparently Im pulling out of my little holiday because, guess what, some time off worked it's magic, and the urge to update has mostly returned!

As you know, I withdrew from the 20 Words challenge, because it wasnt going well, my updates were slacking, etc and really my head hurt at the thought of continuing. But my holiday had exactly the effect I wanted, now my head is mostly back in the game, and Im ready to rock this fandom over the summer! Sure i might not have time to update every other day, but now I wnna focus more on the quality of my writing rather than quantity, and be less repetitive, and work harder on non-TVF stuff. I also wanna write a Criminal Minds fic, and continue a Flashpoint one i started and abandoned last year... anyway enough of my dribbling.

So, this story is gonna start as what used to be my entry for 20words. BUT im renovating and changing around all the chapters like I did with the Arrow fic (update in the works btw) so yeah. Idk how long its gonna be... ill probably diddle around and have fun with it over the summer.

Anyway heres chapter 1, used to be DAWN. I added a good 900 words at least, hope you are appreciative :)

* * *

Morning had broken. A deep orange summer sun rose over the majestic Vampire Mountain. Inside was 6 crabby Vampires, a Little Person, and an uneasy looking boy, all of whom toted a selection of luggage.

"Darren, I have said this several times now. I guess you haven't heard me, so I will repeat myself: I do not understand why you insist on celebrating this _summer_ _camping trip_ BS. We are perfectly happy where we are, and I am suprised you still wish to do this after the other vacation disasters you forced upon us."

"Mika, come on." Darren whined. "This is exactly the point of summer. Lack of fun and monotonous days are making you cranky and unreasonable!"

"K, so I totally agree with Mika." said Kurda. "Like, I know tents and sleeping bags come in really stylish colours these days, but I think I remember you saying something about _bathing in the lake_? Noooo freakin thanks. Summer is about shopping and tanning and cute sunglasses and flipflops and pedicures and swimming in CHLORENATED pools, not wallowing in muddy puddles of fish poo, wiping ourselves with leaves and eating live animals."

"Nnnnooo Kurda! Summer is about adventures and outdoors and freedom and fun and-"

"How do you know the Vampaneze aren't planning on ambushing us? We won't exactly be protected in those little fabric huts, you know." Arrow continued the against-camping argument.

"This situation is an abomunation." Seba grumbled. "When I was your age, we didn't need tents and marshmallows and sleeping bags and the rest of your ensemble of junk, we simply lay on the ground. We had no defined seasons, and we most certainly do not need one devoted to vacationing. Life was simply life whether cold or hot or raining frogs or what have you."

"Come now, Darren. I'm over 800 years old, sleeping with only an inch of fabric between my back and the ground could require a very costly visit to the chiropractor. And of course when he asks about my age, it could become very awkward." Paris added.

"What if...there are...bears?" Harkat worried.

As Darren tried to come up with a coherent reply to all that, he noticed the abscence of one of his usual complainers. He scanned the room in search of... what the hell was Mr Crepsley doing talking on his cell phone in the corner? He debated running over and requesting him to join the group, but it appeared to be a very important call (But who he could possibly be talking to was beyond Darren.) so Darren decided to deal with the group at hand, and drag Larten outside later. He turned back to the pissed/confused/worried faces of Mika, Arrow, Kurda, Seba, Paris and Harkat. And he immediately knew how to get them camping without a hitch:

"Are any of you familliar with the concept of S'mores?"

"No?"

Darren described S'mores. The Escalade was packed in 5 minutes. Dragging out suitcases, however, was Darren`s job.

Whislt dragging the 6th of 14 suitcases out to the Essie, Darren paused to lean on the side of his beloved SUV and absorb the tiny amounts of dawn light filtering down through the dark grey and pink morning clouds that were barely beginning to appear, due to the fact that it was 4:30 am. The chilly fresh air that reminded him of camping trips in his human life. But his reverie was interrupted by his beloved mentor creeping up on him and grabbing his shoulder.

"Jeez, Mr Crepsley." Darren groaned, massaging his head where it he'd smacked against the vehicle's back window in suprise, causing Seba inside to yell shrilly.

"My apologies, Darren. I hope you were not hurt. I suppose I could have just said hello."

Right away, Darren knew something was up. Larten was never this nice, unless...

"Darren, I must ask a favour of you."

"Uh huh?"

"Judging by your GPS, we will be heading east to our destination?"

"Yeah..."

"I would greatly like to take a detour to the west, it should only be a half-hour's drive, I need to pick up supplies in that lovely gas station we always visit."

"Umm, there'll be tons of gas stations between here and camping, Mr Crepsley."

"Yes, Darren. But I require _that _gas station."

"Should I ask why?"

"I would not reccomend it." said the mentor with an evilly polite smile.

"Do I have a choice?"

"No." Larten said in a very final way, still smiling evilly.

"Change the GPS, Harkat. We're making a little detour." Darren announced, jumping into his shotgun seat while Larten made himself comfy between Paris and Seba in the middle row.

"But we still get S'mores tonight, RIGHT?" Mika bellowed from the back seat.

"Yes, just an hour late." Darren informed him, hoping that would be the end of the argument. Fortunately it was, only because Kurda distracted Mika by cranking up his iPod to full blast.

Summer had begun.

However, as the Escalade full of beasts drove onwards through the morning light, Darren came to a conclusion. Due to Kurda's music, Seba's hollering, Mika and Arrow's violent threats, Paris' lectures, and Larten's advice on how to be a better person, Darren could not possibly survive an extra hour of this. Larten's supply stop be damned, he could get whatever the hell he needed at some other gas station. Quietly, he re-programmed the GPS and mouthed the new instructions to Harkat, who nodded. Larten appeared to be asleep finally, so Darren figured he could get away with it. Until the pulled up to the intersection and Harkat turned left instead of right...

Larten lunged over the driver's seat demonically, restrained Harkat with one arm, and grabbing the wheel with the other. Despite the screams of terror from the rest of the passengers, he swung the Escalade around in a perfectly illegal U-turn, finding himself in oncoming traffic. Harkat hit the gas and Larten cranked the wheel simultaneously, the tires squealed, and they shot into the next lane of traffic moving west. Larten settled back into his seat and gave Darren a look of pure hatred.

"I told you. I need supplies. At OUR gas station." he snapped with poison in his voice.

Darren took a anti-headache pill, which didn't take effect until verse 63 of "100 Bottles Of Beer On The Wall".

After 2 hours, as opposed to the 30 minutes Larten perdicted, the gang pulled into "THEIR" gas station. But there was a problem. There were 8 of them, and only one bathroom. Darren decided to be the mature one, and wait. He sat by the gas tanks, leaning against the wheel and wondering why the hell he'd gotten up this early. Harkat volunteered to use the ladies room. That left 6. The door proved to be incredibly strong, because it barely creaked when 6 beasts slammed against it.

"I swear to the gods of the Vampires, if you don't back off right now, I'm gonna wipe your face with the floor!" Mika snarled. "I NEED TO PEE!"

"I said I need to pee first!" Arrow protested.

"I got here first!" Kurda whined.

"I drank 3 coffees and a Red Bull!" Paris grumbled.

"HEY LOOK THERE'S A VAMPANEZE LICKING THE ESSIE!" Mika yelled and pointed wildly. Everyone looked. Mika shot into the bathroom and locked the door. He stayed in a couple minutes longer after he was done, just to piss everyone off. When he finally came out, everyone was outside, frantically searching for the Vampanze that dared lick the Escalade. Mika decided the sight was much too entertaining to inform them he'd been joking. Eventually, Darren reminded them they had to pee, and the battle for the bathroom began again. At this point, Darren had to remind the, there were S'mores at stake to avoid injuries. Once everyone had peed, about 10 minutes total was taken to buy munchies for the road. Seba did not appreciate the concept of paying for food, so Darren took him outside for a break.

Now, there was a massive RV parked behind the Essie. It was about 50 feet long, with a pop-out bedroom on the side. It was so high off the ground, whatever weirdo was driving it could not be seen. Darren went to his own vehicle and popped Seba in the side door, then climbed into shotgun to wait for his group. Slowly they trickled back in. First came Harkat, who leaned sleepily on the wheel and sipped Gatorade out of a straw. Mika and Arrow each had a 5-foot strip of beek jerky, which kept them occupied and non-violent towards Kurda, who had a variety of gummy worms in every colour known to man. Paris had taken an entire pot of coffee, which he poured into his mug as needed. Seba had thankfully gone to sleep.

Darren did a head count, now he was just waiting on Larten. He hadn't seen him in the store, what the hell kinda supplies had he been talking about? Darren decided to give him 5 minutes, if he wasn't in the Essie by then, he would choose 1 of 3 options: Phone him. Look for him. Leave without him. In that order.

And then, there was a terrifyingly loud _HAAWWNNKK_, a KRRUNCH, and the Essie jerked forwards as though pushed from behind.

"WHAT THE BLOODY HELL!" Paris screamed.

"Oh, Imma get out right now and kill those bastards. It is ON." Mika snarled, unbuckling his seat belt.

"VAMPANEZE!" Arrow hollered.

Kurda tried to hide under the seat.

Seba shrieked incoherently about abominative vehicles being posessed by demons.

Harkat rubbed his head painfully where it had smacked againat the steering wheel.

"No one panic." Darren sighed. He rolled down his window and looked behind them to see...

Mr Crepsley? In the passenger seat of the huge-ass RV?

Darren climbed over Harkat to see who was on the passenger side.

Holy Freakin Mother of All Things Abominative.

Behind the wheel was Arra Sails.

Darren looked back at Larten, who grinned evilly and motioned for him to drive on.

_"I need to pick up supplies at OUR gas station!" _

_More like, I need to meet up with my date and her honkin big monster machine._

Well played, Crepsley, well played. If you're gonna be like that...

Darren hopped out of the Essie and ran over to the RV which he circled several times before finding the little ladder that led up to the passenger door. He climbed it, and pressed his nose against the window. Larten it down and grinned.

"Why hello, my young friend."

"No wonder you're in such a good mood." Darren grumbled.

"YOU GOT NOSEPRINTS ON MY WINDOW! DON'T THINK I WONT MAKE YOU REPLACE IT!" Arra snarled suddenly, throwing her coffee at Darren, who couldn't duck without falling 8 feet onto pavement.

"Hi Arra. I didn't know you two were a thing." Darren noted, wiping coffee from his eyes.

"Oh Darren. What you do not know would fill a multitude of blank documents." Larten informed him, still looking extrordinarily pleased wit himself.

"Yeah great. SO anyway, since you've added 2 hours onto our trip rather than having Arra meet us somewhere closer, I need you to do me a favour." Darren said in his best negotiation voice.

"Proceed." said Larten.

"But proceed fast." Arra added. "My rig pulls out in three, whether your insignificant little Sports Utility Vehicle is in the way or not."

"In my insignificant little Sports Utility Vehicle, you will find 6 delightful and enthusiastic members of our family who are finding themselves slightly confined-"

"No. Goodbye." the window began to roll up. Darren attempted to hold it down.

"Just take a few of them! Pleeeease! You have room, come on!"

"Darren, we'll drive off with you still hanging there, I swear."

"PLEASE PLEASE PLEEEASE I CANT DRIVE WITH ALL OF THEM WITHOUT YOUR HELP MR CREPSLEY! THEYLL KILL ME! OR AT LEAST MAKE US GO OFF THE ROAD! THINK OF POOR HARKAT, HES DRIVING AND HES ONLY A FEW FEET TALL!"

The engine revved.

"Sorry Darren! Remember the 3 C's!" Larten concluded, rolling up the window completely, almost severing Darren's fingers.

"FINE, JUST TAKE ME!"

The RV scooched forward. Darren figured at this point he could sustain serious bodily harm and watch the Essie get run over, or suck it up and drive with his dear manical friends. He climb-jumped down to the pavement, and shot back to his passenger seat, unfortunately Kurda was already there, and got shmucked into the console from the force of Darren's landing. At this point, the Essie began to move on it's own accord, because Arra had taken it upon herself to drive ahead so the RV was pushing them from behind. Harkat floored the accelerator and the Essie indeed accelerated, almost mowing over several tourists and taking out the roadside sign that displayed the current gas prices as they swung back on to the highway.

"WHAT...HAVE...I...DONE?" Harkat wailed.

"Don't worry, dude. No one liked those gas prices anyway." Arrow comforted, patting Harkat on the shoulder.

"Was that seriously Arra Freakin Sails?" Mika inquired of Darren.

"Yup." Darren declared, massaging his elbow where he'd smashed it on the pavement.

"What the hell is she driving?"

"It's called an RV and it's a house on wheels."

"So. Crepsley gets a date and a house while we get mosquitoes and tents?"

"Basically yeah."

Mika glared, opened the sunroof and, and stood on the seat so his entire upper torso was above the roof. What he did while up there, Darren couln't care less because there was now half a body less taking up space in the Essie. Kurda wanted to see what it was like up there, so he also stood up and peeked out. However he withdrew momentarily, screaming about windburn. Seba found a stray iPod under the seat and was suddenly singing in another language. Darren glanced in the rearview mirror but could not see the occupants of the massive RV tailing them. He wondered what was going on in there, and if he even wanted to know.

To take his mind off it, he checked the time. 6:30 am. Morning had barely begun. Summer had barely been around for a quarter of a day. Nor had his extra-large double-caffeinated moccachino kicked in. Darren pulled out his new Blackberry (a summer gift to himself) and tried to find out if purchasing his own personal RV was in the budget.

* * *

Nyeah i dont really like Arra and I suck at writing her. But i left her in, to make this one a bit different from the other TVFs, to challenge myself, and because it would be a lot of work to write her out of the chaps I have so far. Aaannyway.

Know what I realised? TVF goes on vacaction a lot. Weird. I should try keeping them at home sometime and see if thats interesting...

PS, the Lord Of The Flies-TVF parody thing, i havent forgotten it, the adventure will end!

PPS, Im deleting the 20words document soon. whatever was there will soon be here, just slightly altered.

PPPS thank you for all your support, those of you who show your love via facebook :) we're up to 18 fans and i love you all! xo

*Roxxy,


	2. Tales From the Rest Stop

Wow, 2 chapters in 2 days. Kinda proud of myself.

I wrote half this chapter tonight, a bit of drama went down on facebook (some lowlife bitched out Bestfriend1, so myself and Bestfriend2 got involved, and things got rude. we all had a great time) anyway, when it was all said and done, i channeled my energy into this, and here we are!

I really like this chapter, not even gonna lie. I never get tired of writing Road Trips :)

enjoy please!

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Don't ever let anyone tell you that GPS's are incredible advances in navigational technology. The truth is, GPS's are big fat dirty liars.

Now, Harkat and Darren as a team had always considered themselves Masters of the GPS. They keyed in their destination, and the GPS informed them that their destination was approximately an hour's drive from the mountain, plus the time added on from Larten's requested detour. Not too bad. But the GPS had led them seemingly as far from their destination as possible, which was directly into the middle of an under-construction highway, where there was a line of traffic moving about as fast as a drunk snail. Needless to say, Vampires don't appreciate being confined in vehicles, particularly stopped vehicles on a 100-degree day. Darren turned the air conditioning on, but since it drew air from outside the vehicle, the inside soon smelled like a construction site, so this idea was dropped almost immediately. There was absolutely nothing to do, but hope the traffic began to move before they boiled to death.

Darren unbuckled his seat belt and leaned out of the window to observe the RV that was still directly behind them. He felt slightly uncomfortable when he noticed neither Larten nor Arra were visible. He decided to turn around and not think about it anymore.

Kurda found another way to take his mind off the heat. Outside, holding the STOP/PROCEED WITH CAUTION sign, was a massive dude of about 65 years, with a long white beard (with 1 turquoise streak), and handlebar mustachio, aviator sunglasses, and where there should have been hair, there was a hat that said NEWTON MOOSE HUNTING CHAMPIONSHIP '98. He was even bigger than Arrow, with a variety of...interesting...tattoos, and he was completely shirtless other than a bright yellow mesh safety vest.

"Hi there!" said Kurda, popping his head out the window.

The Dude grunted in response.

"How's it goin? Are you having fun? I'm having fun. But my best friend Mika keeps hitting me. But it's ok cuz I touch his hair then he screams and leaves me alone. How are you?"

"Swell." said The Dude.

"One time, Seba bit my finger. It swelled up to like the size of my wrist." Kurda informed him. The Dude appeared to be deciding whether or not it would be worth the effort to hit Kurda with his sign.

"My name's Kurda. Do you have a name?"

"They call me Shy Pete." The Dude (aka Shy Pete) declared.

"That's a nice name. Why did you draw all over yourself?"

"Them's tats." Shy Pete grunted.

"Ooooohhh my other best friend Arrow has those! Arrow, show Shy Pete your tats!"

In the seat behind Kurda, Arrow covered his face with a road map and acted like he wasn't there.

"Arrow's shy too. Heyyy we could call him Shy Arrow! Then there'd be Shy Pete and Shy Arrow and then you guys could be BFFL just like me and Mika!"

Just then, dear Shy Pete turned his sign so it said PROCEED WITH CAUTION. Whether it was safe to drive ahead or he just wanted Kurda out of his sight, Darren was much relieved when the traffic began to flow again.

"BYE BYE SHY PETE!" Kurda shrieked out the window. Shy Pete tipped his hat and spit on the ground.

"I love summer, I love summer, I love summer..." Darren chanted to himself through gritted teeth.

Another half-hour passed. 30 minutes is not a long stretch of time, but it's enough for Seba and Arrow to quaff a 6-pack of Red Bull, Kurda to accidentally burn Mika's arm with his cordless hair straightener, Paris to spill coffee all over everyone in a 6-foot radius, and Harkat to zone out and almost veer into an oncoming Semi. Darren ordered a rest stop at a roadside picnic park, which was basically a parking lot, a stretch of grass with picnic tables, and a porta-potty.

"FRRRRREEEEEDOOOOM!" Arrow bellowed, leaping out of the Essie and literally kissing the ground.

"OXYGEN!" Mika gasped in delight.

"What are THOSE?" Seba gasped in a scandalized tone, pointing at the nearest picnic table.

"It's a picnic table, it will not hurt you, it is not an invention of the Vampaneze, or Mr Tiny, or the Wiggles, or the guy from Art Attack, or the Travelocity Gnome, or any thing else that upsets you." Darren said in one breath.

Seba drew breath to argue...

"And it is NOT an abomination!" Darren finished.

Seba closed his mouth and glared, then went to join Mika, Arrow, Kurda, Harkat, and Paris in a game of How-Many-Bodies-Can-We-Fit-In-The-Porta-Potty. Darren decided to use this time to clean the Essie as much as possible before they came back. Starting with the giant coffee stain which deeply resembled urine, which only took three quarters of a pack of Industrial Strength Diaper Wipes to remove.

When the Essie was clean to Darren's satisfaction (it took a while, since he stumbled upon Arrow's old "secret stash" of cookies behind the middle seat) he felt it was time to give himself a well-deserved break. After all, when did he ever do anything for himself? Whether you are a parent, teacher, constant babysitter, or Vampire-caretaker, Me-Time is difficult to come by. So Darren did what every boy his age does when the sun is hot: he whipped off his shirt, lay down on the picnic table (between Kurda's fat-free lettuce chips and Arrow's Double Big Stack Mac) and proceeded to work a tan.

This moment of summery bliss lasted 1...2...3...4...4 and a half minutes. Then his senses were punctured by:

"AAAHHOMG!"

"DUDE WHAT THE F-"

"UUUGGHHH SOMEONE OPEN THE DOOR!"

"HOW?"

"SLIDE THE HANDLE!"

"WHAT?"

"OMG IM GONNA DIIE!"

"GRAB THE THINGY AND PULL!"

"I DID!"

"YOU RETARD, YOU PULLED THE WHOLE THING OFF! NOW HOWS THE DOOR SUPPOSED TO OPEN?"

Darren didn't have to open his eyes to know they were stuck in the porta-potty. He would have been perfectly happy to remain on the picnic table until he had a glowing tan, or until the heat became unbearable (whatever came first) then drive off solo in his Escalade, but as usual, sensibility escaped him and he got up and went over to assess the situation anyway.

Situation: standard. 6 beasts of the night inadvertantly locked in a 4x4 portable bathoom.

From what ever-helpful Harkat could communicate through the tiny side vent, the door-locking system had been cracked by Arrow slamming it with unecessary force, and now refused to open, leaving them hopelessly sealed inside.

Darren examined the outside of the porta-potty. There was no visible locking system, which means A) it locked from the inside, which was *supposed* to be a safety feature, and B) he couldn't figure out how to extricate them, short from cutting a hole in the side of the potty.

"It SMELLS in here!"

"No shit, Kurda. Know why? BECAUSE UNDERNEATH US, THERE IS A HUGE VAT OF HUMAN SHIT!" Mika grunted, as his face was plastered up against the vent.

Daren could practically hear the blonde's eyes growing huge. "You mean like...POO?"

"Really, Kurda. You didn't know what a porta-potty was?" Arrow snorted, as he tried to pull his hand out of the toilet paper dispensal unit, it was hopelessly stuck.

"I thought it was a little gift shop!" Kurda howled, hammering on the door.

"You're retarded." Mika and Arrow snapped in unision, then hi-fived each other.

"Umm...k. So, are you guys sure you can't just punch your way outta there?" Darren inquired apprehensively.

"I tried. I don't have room to get enough power for a good hit." Arrow informed him miserably.

"You better friggen hurry up, Harkat is standing on the urinal in here." Mika added.

"THE WHAT?" Harkat, Kurda, Seba, and Paris hollered.

"Wow, Mika. You shouldn't have told them that he's standing on a device which human males use to pee in. No one needs to know that." Arrow snickered.

"I'm gonna go get Mr. Crepsley!" said Darren. "You guys, don't go anywhere."

"Really, Darren? Really?" Mr. Crepsley grunted pissily. "You disturbed us to tell me that your travelling companions are trapped in a portable toilet?"

"I don't know what to do?" Darren whimpered.

"Do you think I know how to go about removing them from the human contraption? When I was your age, we just did our business behind a bush! Charna's guts, I sound like Seba..."

And he slammed the RV door in Darren's face, and retretated to the back. Before returning to his toilet-bound companions, Darren heard his mentor moan, "Arra, be honest. Do I look old?"

He didn't stick around to hear her answer.

Suddenly, he stopped in horror. The porta-potty was gone. Wait, there it was, hopping away, emitting screams of alarm and pain, amidst Arrow's chants of "1...2...3...HOP!"

Darren ran at them, yelling to "STOP HOPPING! I'LL CALL 911!" but they seemed deaf to his cries, and hopped all the way to the little hill to the left of the picnic area, promtly fell on their side, and proceeded to roll. Darren didn't know rectangles could roll. He bolted after them, not liking the fact that there was liquid flying out of the side vents, and the screams coming from the inside sounded rather muffled, until finally the roll ended as the wayward potty crashed into a tree at the bottom of the hill and cracked into 6 pieces.

6 creatures of the night burst forth, coated in brown liquid. Arrow and Mika looked like they'd just had the best adventure ever, and were hi-fiving and hugging and back-slapping in a congragulatory manner. Paris looked to be dangerously in shock, and was slowly and shakily walking away from the potty. Harkat looked extremely grateful to be alive, and waved happily when he saw Darren. Seba was sitting in the wreckage trying to comprehend what just happened. Kurda was screaming "GET IT OFF GET IT OFF GET IT OFF"and was rolling frantically on the grass.

Thinking quickly, Darren detoured off to the rest stop's tool shed, hoping there were some extremely powerful cleaning products located within. He happened upon several extremely abrasive scrubbing brushes, 2 gallons of industrial-strength liquid soap, a lime green hose, and a water tap behind the shed.

"Everyone form a line, single file please!" Darren hollered, running out from behind the shed toting his brushes, soap, and hose which was spurting water.

"WAAAAATER!" Kurda howled, flinging himself in front of the hose. Darren tossed a gob of soap on the writhing blond, and handed him a scrubby brush. Then he did the same to Mika, Arrow, Paris, Seba, and Harkat. Mika and Arrow were more interested in stealing the hose from Darren and spraying Kurda and Seba relentlessly, and Paris was simply fascinated with the technological advance that was the scrubby brush. Harkat carefully sterilized his body from his head to his fingernails down to his toes.

Anyone observing the scene would have thought there had been some sort of explosion of soap, water, scrubbies, and flailing limbs. It was a frightening time, and so loud that Larten and Arra emerged from the RV to make sure no one was dying. However if you looked close enough, you could eventually tell that the shrieks, screams, howls, and roars emitted from Mika, Arrow, Paris, Seba, Harkat, and Darren were mostly in good humour. And mercifully, they were all completely clean and would be plenty tired for the remainder of the car ride. Not to mention they wouldn't be complaining about the heat for a while.

"Darren, I'm cold!" Kurda shivered pathetically less than 15 minutes later, hugging himself.

Arrow sneezed convulsively. "Dude, me too."

Seba appeared to be turning blue. "I...require...heat..."

"Are you guys on crack? Its 36 degrees out!" Darren gasped. "Can you not smell me sweating?"

"I was wondering what that was." Mika pondered. "Is deoderant really that hard to come by?"

"You weren't the one romping in freezing water." Paris grumbled. "Turn on the heat. Or at least turn off the cold."

"Hell no!" Darren shrieked, tasting his own sweat. He glanced into the rearview mirror.

Kurda was hugging his knees up to his chest and pulling his pink beach towel over his head. Mika and Arrow were snuggling in the back seat, trying to use newspaper as blankets. Seba was rubbing his hands together and hyperventilating. Even Harkat in the driver's seat looked uncomfortable.

Darren sighed.

"Do we need to unpack the sleeping bags?"

The answer was a resounding, *shiver*"YES!"*shiver*

Mika examined the back compartment.

"Nothin back here looks like sleeping bags."

"Move some stuff around." Darren suggested.

"It's packed too tight to move."

"Grow a pair, Mika. Are you a Vampire or not?"

"It's too cold!"

"UGH." said Darren in his most Drama Queenie voice, and unbuckled himself, crawled back to the back, and proceeded to dig and pull and shove the baggage until he unearthed 6 sleeping bags.

"Ahhhhh warmies!" Kurda gasped, slipping into his fuzzy pink one.

"Better now." sighed Arrow happily, zipping into his camoflauge-patterned one.

"Agreed." said Mika, snuggling in his black studded sleeping bag. He claimed the studs were a safety devide.

Seba's statement was incomprehensible, because he'd entered his fluorescent red sleeping bag from the wrong end, and his face was currently stuck in the foot end, and he was thrashing hopelessly but at least he was warm.

Paris wrapped himself peacefully in his waterproof sleeping bag and drifted off to sleep.

Harkat secured his lime green frog-patterned Junior Camper sleeping bag around him while keeping his hands on the wheel.

And now that everyone was comfortably cocooned, a Darren Shan leaned back and blasted the air conditioning as cold as it could go.

* * *

Next chapter of this, the other TVF (daym i hate doing 2 at once) and TVF Idol should be up before too long.

Goodnight or goodmorning!

*Roxxy,


	3. Into The Wild

Wow guys, Im sorry for making you all wait again...I just came back from a lovely vacation of riding through the Rocky Mountains, but I havent been thaaat busy... it seems the more I wanna write, the less gets done :/

Summer ends in 2 weeks...that makes me unbelievably upset.

But on the bright side, I can honestly say I liked writing this chap :)

enjoyy. xo

* * *

"CHARNA'S BUTT, DARREN! CAN'T WE JUST PARK SOMEWHERE!" a bored, crowded, and volatile Mika Ver Leth hollered from the back seat.

"WE PARK WHEN WE FIND THE RIGHT SPOT!" a tired, grumpy, and frazzled Darren hollered back.

"This place consists entirely of trees, sticks, bugs, rocks, mud, dirt, and little paths that would be unfit for even a goat!" Seba whined.

"This pathetic excuse for a road is going to trash the Essie's suspension, Darren." Arrow pointed out. "This is why we need a LIFTED, OFF-ROAD 4X4 ESCALADE!"

"Why the hell didn't you just take your Hummer which you just HAD to have?" Darren snapped

"Because I didn't want to trash the suspension." he muttered.

"DARREN. Nothing will get trashed if we just PARK GODDAMMIT!" Mika screamed.

"WHY DON'T YOU EVER BITCH ON HARKAT? HE'S THE DRIVING, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS ABOMINATIVE!"

"We aren't blonde, Darren. We know who he takes his orders from." Mika grunted. "Harkat drives the vehicle just cuz you can't handle parallel parking, or any other kind of parking, backing up, going over the speed limit, driving on the highway, driving on overpasses, driving on underpasses, driving near other vehicles, passing other vehicles, those lights with the flashing arrows working the windshield wiper-"

"I get it." Darren grumbled. "Know what, I wasn't human long enough to take Driver's Ed thanks to Buddy riding shotgun in the big-ass RV behind us."

"Riding shotgun? Pfff, riding on the floor most likely." Arrow contributed with an evil smile.

"EWW...THAT...IS...YUCKY!" Harkat bellowed.

"But there's like a bazillion extra seats in there. Arra wouldn't make him sit on the floor for the whole trip, she's not thaaat mean." Kurda argued.

"Don't be retarded, Arrow." Paris yawned. "They couldn't do the nasty and keep that thing on the road at the same time."

Kurda looked confused, Harkat looked ready to flip the Essie.

"What on earth are you discussing?" Seba inquired.

"Food." said Harkat.

"Camping." said Darren.

"Star Wars." said Larten.

Mika's reply was brutally honest and x-rated, but it went unheard because Darren yelled "HERE!", Harkat swerved to the left, the tires screeched, Seba's head smacked against the window causing him to shriek in agony, and Darren's half-full blue gatorade spilled all over him.

"You peed blue." Arrow snickered.

"Honestly. How OLD are you?" Darren wondered with extreme annoyance as he stepped out of the vehicle, dripping gatorade.

_Bump. Whump. Thump. Flump. Dump. Crunch. _Was the sound of Harkat, Mika, Arrow, Kurda, Paris, and Seba unloading themselves.

Kurda galloped joyfully in circles, revelling in the hair-bleaching sunlight before realising he was in the middle of the wilderness. Then he screamed like he was being stabbed and returned quickly to the back seat of the Essie.

Mika and Arrow immediately began searching for signs of extreme wildlife. Bears, moose, wild cats, buffalo, snapping turtles, giant bass, wolverines, chipmunks, and wooly mammoths were at the top of their list of Things To See/Chase/Stalk/Kill/Eat.

Darren scoped the location. It was quite a bit wilder than it looked on the GPS, but pleasant nonetheless. They were parked on a wide patch of dirt which extended down to sandy beach complete with a lovely blue lake, a little dock with a canoe, a campfire pit, and surrounded by what seemed to be miles and miles of pure forest...and one side was fully blocked from view by the massive RV that had just parked itself. Darren ignored this, and proceeded to put on his Organizational Face.

"K, guys. Camping doesn't just set itself up. We have a few minor and fun jobs to get through before the real fun starts, does that sound good to everyone?"

No one expresses any serious interest, but Darren carries on as he always does:

"Arrow, Harkat, you set up the tents."

Darren ignored this.

"Mika, Kurda, you dig the latrine."

"HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED THAT YOU ALWAYS MAKE ME WORK WITH KURDA? AND HAVE YOU NOT FIGURED OUT THAT THIS WILL NOT GET US ANYWHERE?" Mika complained loudly and with many rude hand gesures.

"Yeah!" Kurda agreed passionately, not knowing what exactly he was agreeing to. "Oh, by the way, what's a latrine? It sounds French. I've always wanted to go to France, they have ahhhdorable gift shops. Is a latrine a gift shop?"

Mika told Kurda what a latrine was. Kurda looked like he was ready to pass out, but managed bravely to stay on his feet and ask miserably if there was a real bathroom within 200 miles he could possibly walk to.

"You know it's a bad situation when Kurda is willing to walk through the wilderness just to use the bathroom." Arrow grumbled.

"I miss good ol' Vampire camping." Mika sighed. "When we just lay on the ground. Now we have..." (reads package) "...Nutra-Tent Made From Microfibers With Polyneutralized Anti-Weather Outer Lining? What is the world coming to?"

"At least we don't sparkle and drive girl cars." said Arrow proudly.

"The Cullens may have a fat sparkly multibillion dollar franchise, but we have our dignity." Mika added with great satisfaction.

They shared a high-five before going about their duties, because no matter how many tents they slept in, s'mores they scarfed, and phones which they waved in the air in search of reception, they knew in their hearts there would always be a family of Vampires in some little American town that still had less dignity than them.

* * *

I make no aplogies for my Twilight-bashing.

PS, Im posting chapter 4 in like the next 5 minutes, but if you read my attempt at CCIMH12's contest, you've already seen it. If not, then enjoy! :)

*Roxxy,


	4. Behold the Brilliance of Camping

As promised!

Know what, I haven't done a disclaimer in...a really really long-ass time. So I would like to take this opportunity to remind the real live Darren Shan that he owns my beloved boys... although they have way more fun when I borrow them :)

PS, i got a bit of an ending inspiration for this story from Untold Stories Of The ER (they were basically showing unlimited episodes on the flight home) and one situation made me go, Heeeeeeey...:)

* * *

"So..." said Mika.

"Sooo..." said Kurda.

"...So." said Harkat

"So?" said Darren.

"So this is camping." said Mika from beneath his bodyguard-style shades, in a tone that did not sound particularly impressed or interested.

Darren put on his own sunglasses to shield his eyes from the sun glaring brilliantly and painfully of the surface of the lake. On which the four of them were sitting, in a cute red canoe, each holding fishing poles.

"Yyyyeahh...?" said Darren uneasily. "Isn't it nice?"

"Fishing is an abomination." Mika grumbled. "And I don't use that word lightly."

"Don't call...the fish...an abomination!" Harkat gasped. "I think...they're cute."

"Um, eww? They're like, coated in slime." Kurda bitched.

"Did you know fish oil is good for your skin?" Darren informed him.

"Good one." Kurda snorted, putting down his fishing pole and applying a 7th layer of pink hand sanitizer.

"Look!" said Harkat happily, reaching down into the water and pulling out an incredibly shiny rainbow trout. Who knows how Harkat managed to hold the thing, since it appeared to be having a seizure, but we all know Harkat has his ways.

Kurda saw the fish and almost jumped ship. Mika wanted to know why Harkat could simply grab a fish, whereas everyone else needed a baited hook.

"Good job, Harkat!" said Darren with relief. Now he could go back to shore without feeling like a fishing failure.

Kurda wasn't particularly skilled with a paddle, but between Darren, Mika, and Harkat, they made it back to shore in one piece. Personally, Darren could have spent the whole day gliding over the peaceful lake waiting for fish to come to him, but he'd left the remainder of the group to pitch the tents. Knowing them, something had probably exploded by now.

The scene they returned to was fairly typical; Seba was hopelessly trapped in a collapsed tent, Arrow looked like he was trying to decide exactly how deadly tent poles could be, Paris was lying on the little beach beside the dock, apparently tanning, and Larten was nowhere to be seen.

Not to mention, there was a massive RV parked about 10 feet from the tent area. So that's where Larten was. Naturally, Arra was in there too. Darren bypassed the destruction zone that was Seba, and prepared to knock on the door and seek mentorly help, but he stopped mid-knock. There was a chance he really did not want to see what lay inside. Mr Crepsley was sensible, but Arra might just make him...unlike himself. Just in case, Darren decided to leave the RV alone and find someone else to help him gut and cook the fish.

Seba had freed himself from the tent, and was now unpacking (read: throwing) pieces of luggage from the trunk of the Escalade. Mika and Arrow were reunited, and were swordfighting with tent poles and gathering firewood at the same time. Paris was re-applying sunscreen. Kurda was locked in the Escalade, presumably changing his outfit. And Harkat was sitting beside the water-filled cooler, in which the fish was swimming.

"Hey Harkat, can you take the fish out? It's almost dinnertime." Darren called.

"Did you...hear that...Gillbert? You're...invited to dinner!" Harkat informed the fish happily. "But wait, Darren...fish can't...come out of...the water...remember? Gillbert will...have to...eat dinner...in the cooler."

Darren gave Harkat a funny look.

"Harkat...don't you know how fishing works? Gillbert IS dinner."

Inside the RV...

"Charna's Guts, Arra. Did you just hear that scream? I hope none of them have gone and killed themselves."

"Crepsley, don't you DARE go outside. They can function without you. Look, I brought barbecue-flavoured Goldfish cackers. Remember how much you _love_ those?"

"Oh, you know it..."

Back outside...

"For the love of everything, Harkat. NEVER make that sound again." Paris muttered.

"IF...YOU...LAY...ONE...HAND...ON...GILLBERT...IT...WILL...BE...THE...LAST...SOUND...YOU...EVER...HEAR!" Harkat hyperventilated, shutting the lid of Gillbert's cooler and sitting on it.

"Wow, Mulds. That's a pretty dark threat coming from you." Mika commented.

"Okay, Harkat, simmer down. It's the circle of life, man. We catch fish. We eat fish. We die. Fish eat us, it's not that-" Arrow tried.

Harkat drew breath to scream again.

"Okay okay okay, no one's touching Gillbert. Just relax." Darren grumbled. "Who's coming back out to the lake to catch another one?"

Harkat let loose another earth-shattering scream, and bolted down to the beach to stand between Darren and the canoe, crossing his arms sternly and trying to look huge.

NO...ONE...TOUCHES...GILLBERT'S...FRIENDS!"

Arrow and Mika attempted to negotiate with the Little Person, but he would not be swayed. They gave up in five minutes, and Harkat went off to comfort Gillbert.

"So what's for supper?" Mika inquired.

"It was supposed to be Gillbert." Darren muttered. "Any other ideas?"

"Surely you brought some extra food?" Paris began to look worried.

"Well, there's breakfast cereal under the front seat but we need to save it for-"

Stampede towards the Escalade, leaving Darren in the dust.

"-breakfast."

Two seconds later, Mika, Arrow, Paris and Seba were stampeding away from the Escalade with looks of terror upon their faces. Behind them was an extremely menacing figure...something clad head-to-toe in blinding neon pink, with a few strands of blond hair sticking out the top...

"Holy Hell, Kurda. That is extremely..."

"Brilliant, in an agonizing way." Paris supplied.

"Reflecting of light...abomination..." Seba observed suspiciously.

"Frickin nasty." Mika and Arrow said in unison.

"It's scaring Gillbert!" Harkat yelled.

This brilliantly abominative thing was a contraption of very stylish camping wear. The hat had fishing tackle hanging from it, and a screen surrounding the face. The shirt was a mesh mosquito net, worn over a Hollister tee. The pants appeared to be made of fuschia denim. They were cargo shorts with the highest number of the most cavernous pockets Darren had even seen. Then there were the knee-high magenta combat boots, with lime green laces and unicorn stickers on the edge of the sole.

The whole effect was quite scarring.

"So, um, Kurda." said Darren, putting on his sunglasses. "How does Lucky Charms for supper sound?"

When Larten and Arra finally left the RV for campfire time, Arra took one look at Kurda's outfit, and gave him a look that made him cry at a higher volume than Mika had ever achieved. At first Mika was pissed, but soon his competitive side kicked in, and the game became Who Can Make Kurda Cry Louder With Just One Look?

However, Campfire Time is clearly incomplete without a campfire, which put pressure on Darren, who didn't get along well with matches and had forgotten to pack a lighter.

"There's an extra can of gas in the RV?" Arra suggested.

"NO!" Larten yelped.

Arra turned to Mika and Arrow and whispered,

"When he says no, he means yes. Distract them."

"We don't take orders from her!" Mika hissed when Arra dissapeared into the RV.

"Mika, picture a giant fireball. Right here in our campsite. Suck it up." Arrow snorted.

"If you insist." Mika replied, an evil grin dawning on his face.

Arra snuck back to the campfire, discreetly holding what appeared to be an innocent pop can. She mouthed, _"One, two, three..." _to Mika and Arrow to cue a distraction.

"HARKAT, OMG! A VAMPANEZE IS LICKING GILLBERT!"

Harkat screamed horribly, and bolted back towards the tent (he hadn't dared to bring Gillbert near the fire, but had promised to bring him back marshmallows.) In the split second everyone turned to look, Arra made her move, and dropped the gas can into the barely smouldering wood.

_KERPHSHOOOOOOOM! _is the sound a flame makes when it suddenly becomes a 10 feet tall and 10 feet wide mushroom cloud. Arra, Arrow, and Mika had made sure they were well-back. Darren, Larten, Seba, Paris, and Kurda dove behind a log to escape being barbecued. Harkat came running back, Gillbert in tow, saw the flames, screamed again, and ran back to the beach. Within 60 seconds, the flame shrank down until it was just a little bit too big.

"Arra, you can soo hang out with us anytime." Mika declared.

"I was thinking of gas too, she just said it first." Arrow snorted.

"All in a day's work, boys." the Vampiress replied, pulling a bag of coloured marshmallows out of her sweater pocket.

The others had no idea what had hit them. Arra blamed it on lightning. Darren looked suspicious, but had no choice but to drop the issue, because Kurda decided it was time for Campfire songs.

Somewhere between the singing of "Kumbayah" and "I've Got A Lovely Bunch Of Coconuts", Kurda pulled out his pink Blackberry and took a look at the weather forecast.

"K, soo apparently there's 100 percent chance of a storm tonight, with hurricane-force winds, sporratic thunder and lightning, and torrential downpour."

"Seriousy? Look at the sky! I wouldn't worry, Kurda, those forecasts are a bunch of bull-"

_SSSCCHHH KRACKA B O O O OO O M!_

A massive jolt of thunder and lightning shook even the marshmallows, the clouds began to urinate heavily, and a tornado-type thing swirled around the campsite. The glorious fire fizzled out, and all Hell broke loose for the umpteenth time that day.

Arra and Larten made a dash to the RV, and locked themselves in. Harkat ran to fetch Gillbert.

"It's just a little flash storm, we can go in the tents and wait till it's over!" Darren yelled over the wind.

"WHAT TENTS?"

Darren looked. Of course, the tents had been blown up into a freakin tree. Because the poles that were supposed to anchor them into the ground had been used as swords, then dropped and forgotten somewhere. There was another evil-sounding thunderclap, and lightning appeared to smash a tree on the other side of the lake, creating distant fireworks.

"TO THE ESSIE!"

The Escalade was stampeded for the 2nd time that day, everyone cranked the handle of their respective door.

"IT'S LOCKED."

"WHERE THE HELL ARE THE KEYS?"

"OMG OMG OMG MY HAIR'S GOING SCREWY, FIIIND THEEEM!"

"WHO HAD THEM LAST?"

"HARKAT, HE ALWAYS HAS THEM!"

"HARKAT, KEYS?"

"UM...I...THINK...I...LEFT...THEM...IN...THE...CANOE."

"WELL THEN, YOU BETTER HURRY UP AND GET THEM!"

Lightning seemed to touch down again, this time near the beach.

"PLAN B. EVERYONE RUN TO THE RV RIGHT NOW!"

"BUT LARTEN SAID IF WE DON'T GIVE THEM TOTAL PRIVACY, THERE WILL BE CONSEQUENCES!"

"LARTEN WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT!"

"Nothing illuminates my day like rescuing 7 pitiful creatures from the rain." Larten grumbled as he unlocked the RV door to admit Darren, Mika, Arrow, Paris, Seba, Kurda, Harkat, and Gillbert, all of whom were thoroughly soaked and shivering hypothermically (with the exception of Gillbert).

"Omg Darren, we neeeed to get an RV." Kurda announced, wrapping himself in a fluffy blanket and curling up in the bottom bunk bed.

"Do not sit there, that is my bed!" Larten reprimanded.

"Gillbert...needs to...take a break...from the cooler." said Harkat, wandering into the bathroom and starting to fill up the tub.

"Harkat, I do not want fish germs in the tub!" Larten quibbled.

"Dude, how many channels do you-WHOAH! 3000!" Arrow gasped, settling down on the king-size bed in front of the giant plasma TV along with Darren and Mika.

"I was watching that!" Larten protested.

"I see you have a large quantity of ice cream. It would be unwise to eat all of this yourself. Come help, Seba. There's coffee flavor." said Paris delightedly, raiding the fridge.

"Paris, that is mine!" Larten groaned.

"Stop your reprimanding, quibbling, protesting, and groaning, Larten. Sit down and appreciate this wonder of nature with us." Arra said sternly, throwing a fuzzy green pillow at Larten's head and summoning him back to the top bunk. Crankily, Larten climbed up the ladder and proceeded to snuggle with her. Everyone breathed a collective sigh of relief.

"So..."

"So..."

"So..."

"I am unbelievably hungry, since SOMEONE decided to name dinner Gillbert." Paris grumbled.

Harkat growled.

"Is it breakfast time yet?" Arrow complained.

"Nope." said Darren.

A brief silence.

"So...This is camping, huh?" said Mika.

"Yuup. Just us, a little shelter, minimal food rations, and the great outdoors." said Darren.

The great outdoors then produced a thunderclap that sounded like a nuclear war, and a lightning flash that practically illuminated everyone's skeletons.

"So, we're camping. Great idea Darren, positively enlightened. Simply _brilliant_."

* * *

WHO ELSE IS EXCITED AS FUCK ABOUT LARTYY'S VERY OWN BOOK SERIES!

Youll be seeing more of me soon, I have a few little projects coming up..

& hope the contest is going well, and don't forget about my facebook page. Link on profile.

*Roxxy,


	5. Cabin Fever

OWW OWW 3 IN A DAY!

Im cheating though...these were previously written. Im now taking down my half-entry for the 20 words contest because everything that was there is now in here!

This chapter is word 3 and 4 combined...i actually like it ;P enjoy!

* * *

5 hours later...

"Darren? Darren? Darrendarrendarren?"

"CHARNA'S GUTS KURDA WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT!"

"Whooooah there Dar, someone has crabs in his pants." the blond muttered in an offended tone.

"I think you mean _ants_ in the pants, or the term _crabby_. That sentence was poorly phrased." Paris noted.

"Paris... your beard has gotten longer in the last hour..." Mika added with a glazed look in his eyes.

"And this episode of Criminal Minds is on 8 different channels right now." Larten contributed.

"I have seen this abominable dandruff shampoo commercial 57 times." Seba complained.

"I get it, you're bored." Darren grumbled. "But do you WANT to go outside?"

Outside, there was currently such a torrential downpour of rain that the Escalade was no longer visible 20 feet away. Sometimes thunder could still be heard over the pounding of hailstones on the roof.

Inside the palacial RV, the smell of wet dog (or Vampires?) filled the air. Harkat was sleeping on the floor beside the bathtub, in which swam Gillbert. Mika, Arrow, and Seba were surfing the 3000 channels for the umpteenth time in search of something to watch, since Pay Per View movies could unly be activated by phone, and of course there's no service in the middle of nowhere. Paris was commenting on anything and everything he observed. Larten was on his 8th cup of coffee (Darren diagnosed him as a Boredom Drinker). Arra was napping, resting her head on Larten's shoulder. And Darren had absolutely no idea what to do with them. The storm showed no sign of stopping, it was too loud for anyone to possibly sleep, and if they were getting nutty after 5 hours, the next 5 could bring out potentially homocidal tendencies. So Darren blurted out the first whim that came to him.

"We could play a game?"

"Hide N Seek!" Kurda agreed delightedly.

"I'll count." Darren sighed dismally.

"HIDE HIDE HIDE!" Kurda shrieked as though it was a life-or-death matter. To Darren's very great suprise, everyone actually cooperated. Scary how boredom changes people.

It took Darren 100 seconds to count, and 50 to find...

...Kurda curled up in the cupboard under the sink...

"You know there's germs in there, right?"

...Harkat in the fridge...

"Okay...saw that coming."

...Gillbert in the toilet...

"That's not right."

...Larten and Arra under the blankets...

"Come on, you need to at least _try _to hide...and giggling doesn't help."

...Seba clinging ninja-style to the underside of the top bunk bed...

"No comment."

...Mika squished under the main bed...

"Are you 6 years old?"

...Arrow crammed painfully into the wardrobe...

"Find anything interesting in there?"

...and Paris under the table.

"Yeah, good one."

"Well Darren, let's see YOU find an impenetrable hiding place in this godforsaken house-on-wheels." Paris grumbled, banging his head on the table as he crawled out.

"Yeah, like did you graduate from the frickin' University of Hide N Seek?" Mika snapped. "There's nothing wrong with under the bed."

"Really Mika? I thought only 6 year olds did that?" Larten commented.

"Shut up."

"Okaaayy. All of you, plug your eyes and shut your ears." (Darren meant that as a joke, but no one seemed to get it, so he continued. "Give me one minute. Who here can count that high? Harkat? Alrighty. I'm gonna hide, and I bet the Essie that you'll spend an hour looking and never ever find me. GO!"

Exactly one hour later, it had been revealed that Darren was not under the bed, or in the toiler, the fridge, any of the closets, the beds, under the table, under the carpet, in the ceiling vents, behind the TV, or in the sink.

"I give up." Mika declared, flopping down on the bed. "He can stay hidden."

"That is...not nice, Mika. Who would...program the GPS...to get us home?" Harkat reprimanded.

"Darren tried to murder Gillbert, Harkat. Who's side are you on?" Mika shot back.

Harkat said nothing and opened the fridge.

"Well, he is surely in here somewhere." said Larten. "He did not just dissapear into the rain."

"But what if he did?" Arrow wondered.

"Then he is an idiot!" Larten proclaimed.

"Seriously though, we should probably take a quick check outside. He could be 2 steps out the door, laughing his ass off cuz we're not smart enough to look outside."

Larten took a peek out the window. The weather situation had not changed.

"What is it you young people say nowadays? YEAH RIGHT."

"Fine, be a wimp. I'm gonna make sure..." Arrow made for the door. Just then,

"ARROW. CRIMINAL MINDS. NEW EPISODE. RIGHT NOW!"

The door forgotten, Arrow jumped back on the bed with such force Mika bounced a foot into the air, and Seba fell off entirely.

About 20 minutes later...

"Guys, seriously?" Darren wailed miserably, teeth chattering from cold, soaking wet and dripping mud, climbing back into the RV and slamming the door. He immediately dashed into the bathroom, locked the door, and turned on the shower.

"I told you he was outside." said Arrow.

"I told you he was an idiot." said Larten.

"He was...hiding outside...that whole time?" Harkat gasped.

"Apparently."

It was expected that Harkat would make a dissaproving comment, but he simply said, "That's funny." Seemingly, Darren was still in Harkat's bad books for plotting the murder of Gillbert.

Several minutes later, Darren stepped out of the bathroom, wearing what appeared to be the ony dry items of clothing he could find: a giant BASS PRO SHOP (the fishing store) t-shirt he'd stolen from Larten's supply, as well as some swim trunks.

"Darren, is that MY Bass Pro Shop shirt and trunks?"

"YEAH AND GUESS WHAT I DONT CARE CUZ I WAS OUT THERE FOR AN HOUR AND A HALF CUZ YOU GUYS WERE TOO DUMB TO THINK THAT I MIGHT POSSIBLY BE HIDING UNDER THE RV!" the boy Vampire spazzed, wrapping himself in a fluffy blanket snatched off the bed.

"Don't look at me, I was just about to go out there, but a new episode of Criminal Minds came on. I didn't forget you, buddy" said Arrow.

"I feel so loved." Darren grunted, taking the last can of cream soda out of the fridge.

"That is what you get for going outside." Larten informed him.

"Act innocent all you want. You wouldn't notice if I walked off the face of the planet." Darren replied, accidentally-on-purpose dripping cream soda on Larten's foot as he walked by.

"Of course we would." Paris consoled. "I always keep track of how many toothbrushes are in the bathroom. I'd know right away if you left!"

"What if I didn't bring my toothbrush with me?"

"Then...Uhhm...I am sure I would notice the abscence of your strange ideas within the week."

"I hate you all." Darren grumbled.

"You do not mean that." Larten advised. "You think you do, but you do not hate us in the least."

Darren opened his mouth to reply rudely, but Mika interrupted.

"FOR THE LOVE OF CHARNA, SHUT THE HELL UP. _SOME _OF US WANT TO KNOW WHY THE UNSUB REMOVED A PERSON'S FACE USING ONLY A SPOON!"

"What the Hell are you watching?" Larten gasped in disgust.

"It's Criminal Minds...don't bother him...or you might...lose your face." Harkat suggested.

"You are all going insane." said Larten. "This RV is turning is into sociopathic violent vegetables. The storm shows no sign of stopping. Our tents are up a tree. Our firewood is soaking. From what I can see out this window, our rental canoe appears to be upside down in the middle of the lake. I believe we should abort this camping nonsense."

Just then, Harkat literally almost went through the roof.

"THE...ESSIE...KEYS...WERE...IN...THE...CANOE!"

"Oh." said Darren.

"DUDE, SHE JUST TOOK OFF THE LAST OF HIS FOREHEAD WITH THE SPOON!" said Mika.

"That show and this trip is an abomination." said Seba.

"Really, Harkat? Really?" said Paris with dissapointed unconcern.

"I'm surrounded by morons." said Arra. "Larten, from now on, they're not invited on our dates."

"I thought we were friends!" Mika whined.

"If we get the key back, we can drive the Escalade home, just you and me!" Larten promised with a hint of desperation in his voice.

"Good luck." snorted Arrow. "It's on the bottom of the lake right now."

"Come on, Harkat, don't you know how to hotwire stuff?"

"Darren, what are...you talking about?" said Harkat with his most innocent face. "I have never...in my life...illegally hotwired...an airport golf cart...or a Hummer...or a 4 year old's mini-bike. I'm just a...Little Person. Not a criminal."

"Harkat, just because you're pissed at me doesn't mean you're allowed to let everyone rot in this RV." Darren sighed.

"I am not a...criminal." Harkat repeated stubbornly, crossing his arms. "My experience...saving the innocent life...of Gillbert...has caused me...to become a...changed Little Person. I have done many...bad things. From now on...I will do...only good things."

"That doesn't say much about the rest of us, Harkat." said Paris.

Harkat stuck out his tongue.

So on went the night, as the hours passed, the level of calaustrophobia, agression, plain boredom, and sheer insanity skyrocketed. Harkat shuffled Gillbert back and forth between the sink and the tub, much to Larten's disgust, because he claimed the fish was getting bored of the scenery. Darren learned that Larten and Arra had bought the RV together as a mutual 60th Anniversary (the years were not consecutive) gift, although each of them seperately considered it THEIRS.

At one point, Kurda discreetly attempted to indulge in the last bottle of green Jones Soda, which caused Mika and Arra to spotaneously converge angrily on him and pry the bottle from his grip. After the mission was sucessful, they spilt the bottle between themselves, and decided they must be siblings seperated at birth. Then, Mika skipped watching the rerun of Criminal Mind's 3rd season premiere to play some Extreme Checkers with his newfound sister. Arrow glared at them, but his looks went unnoticed. Darren knew right away this was a bad sign, if they did not escape the confines of the RV soon, someone would get hurt.

Darren formulated a new plan. The camping trip was a bust, no doubt about it. The tents were gone, the firewood was soaked, his previous plan was beyond salvation. Now he was faced with only one option: Everyone leave in the RV, tow the Essie. Worry about replacing the key later. Yes. It was a good plan. Despite what anyone said, Darren was full of good plans. Now all they had to do was wait out the rain...

* * *

a note... for people who favourite/subscribe to myself and favourite/subscribe a ton of my fics, could you at least drop a review? thanks :)

Reviews are kinda like my paycheck! I don't do this for free! Well I also write TVF for my own retarded humour, but its funner when its shared.

*Roxxy,


	6. Pansy Beach

Hi :)

Well this chapter isnt too long, but its something. the next one is already started so I dont think youll be waiting too long.. I cannot believe summer's ending...i go back this tuesday :( life is going from Beach to Bitch this week. blehh.. but today I got to go clothes shopping with mommy's credit card so really it could be worse...chaa ching!

My birthday's in a week, on the 9th. i was born in the shittiest month of the year :( but if my math is correct, i was concieved approximately at Christmas time, so i guess thats ok :)

enjoy!

* * *

Inside the RV...

_Snore..._

_Snore..._

_Grunt..._

_Snore..._

_Gurgle..._

_Yawn..._

Then someone opened their eyes and peeked out the window. The chain reaction was instant and fearsome.

"OMG IT STOPPED RAINING NOW WE CAN GO HOME!"

"HELL YEAH LET'S GET OUTTA HERE BITCHEZ!"

"WHAT ARE WE YELLING ABOUT?"

"Gillbert...you can...get out of...the sink!"

"DARREN! DARRENDARRENDARREN! DARREN! DAARREEEN!"

"HURRY UP I WANNA GET OUT OF THIS HELL HOLE!"

"Is he asleep?"

"Noo, Kurda. He's just lying on the table with his face in a coffee cup cuz he feels like it."

Darren, of course, was lying on the table with his face in a coffee cup, dead asleep, so he heard none of this. Until Arrow pulled the coffee cup out from under his face causing it to bonk on the table.

"CHARNA'S PARTS!" Darren howled excruciatingly, caressing his nose which felt damn near broken.

"Sorry." said Arrow without sympathy. "IT STOPPED RAINING NOW LETS GO FIND THE KEYS AND GO HOME!"

"The keys are at the bottom of the lake, how are we gonna get out of this little problem? Even you, Darren, can't possibly scheme your way outta this one." Mika grumped.

Darren held up a Finger Of Silence. With the exception of Kurda blah-blah-blahing about how all the moisture in the air would cause his hair irreparable damage, there was a tense silence as Darren pondered.

After a good 5-minute think, during which everyone almost fell asleep again, Darren shrieked, "I NEED MY GPS!" then he became so excited he raced out to the Escalade to get it before remembering it was locked and they keys were in the lake somewhere. He came back inside the RV looking severely dejected.

"There's one by the driver's seat." said Arra.

"Thanks!" said Darren, making a dash.

"WAIT." Arra snapped, grabbing Darren by the ankle and flipping him over. "There are rules to going near my seat. There is no sitting in my seat. There is no touching of my seat. There is no twiddling of the steering wheel. There is no honking of the horn. There is no eating of my chips. There is no touching of my bobblehead figures. There is no touching of anything at all, with the exception of the GPS. Bring the GPS back with you, and I will program it. You are strictly forbidden to turn it on, and you must carry it with 2 hands. Are we clear?"

"Why don't you just get it yourself then?" Darren whined.

"Because I'm comfy." Arra growled with as much venom as the average Mika. She did indeed look quite comfy. Herself and Larten were cuddling while wrapped in a large purple porcupine-patterned fuzzy blanket, on the bottom bunk of the bunk bed.

Darren frowned and wandered up to the front of the RV where the driver's seat was located.

It was about 10x10 square feet, and curtained off from the rest of the RV. There were 2 massive seats that looked suspiciously orthopedic, and the driver's seat sported a hot pink skull-patterned cover, and the steering wheel had a rubberized grippy cover with the same pattern. The dashboard was covered with enough knobs, screens, handles, levers, buttons, and gadgets to satisfy Paris' wildest dreams, and there was a Bible-sized owner's manual visible in the glove box.

And attached to the window by a lime green suction cup was Arra's GPS which appeared to be twice the size of his own. He pulled on it. It refused to detach from the window. He pulled a little harder. His efforts were not rewarded. He yanked on it with as much strength as he could possibly muster before noticing a tiny lever on the side that disabled the suction cup. He used this, the GPS fell from the window as though rocket-powered, Darren half-grabbed it, then promptly half-dropped half-flung it as it bent one of his fingers at a painful angle. However he realised it was about to meet a shattered fate with the floor, and managed some astonishing gymnastics in order to catch it safely.

He then carried it as he would an armed bomb, right back to Arra who compulsively checked it for scratches before programming directions for the destination Darren ordered: Mr. Crab's Hardware, Main Street, Melanoma Beach Town.

Less than 10 minutes later, Arra (driving about 10 times as fast as Darren had when they arrived yesterday) had maneuvered the RV out of the forest road and back onto the highway and the entire crew was now speeding in the direction of Melanoma Beach Town, located by the picturesque Melanoma Beach, an extremely populous tourist spot which compared to the woodland lake the way Hawaii compares to a puddle. At least this was Kurda's opinion. Everyone else's was a bit different:

"I know what this is gonna be like." Mika whined as he lay on the king-sized bed and searched for the remote control beneath the layer of pillows "Just like that stupid ski resort town, only with sand. Stupid tourists and stupid little stores and stupid colourful food."

"As long as there aren't Vampaneze. Or Starbucks. Those are run by Mr. Tiny." Arrow grunted, checking the fridge once again to see if any new food had materialised in the 5 minutes since he'd last checked.

"I want to...stay in a...hotel." Harkat sighed. "There are...wild beasties...in the forest...who might find me...to be edible."

"Harkie has the right idea!" said Kurda peppily. "There's a delicious RV park on the south side of the beach, Arra's House could make some friends!" (he had taken to referring to the RV as Arra's House,much to her annoyance.) "Ooooh and on the north side they have a hotel thats like, right on the beach. Actually there's like 8 of 'em. And they all have waterslides, swim-in bars, indoor theme parks, outdoor movie theaters, gigantic family suites with free room service, and vending machines on EVERY floor!" Kurda gasped in delight, reading from the website. He'd googled it on his BlackBerry. Or PinkBerry as he called it.

"I wouldn't mind exploring the place, and stocking up on supplies. We are running low on ice cream and I am in need of more shirts as mine are now scattered around the forest from last night's wind." Paris explained patienty.

"Are we there yet? Where are we going? Where were we before? Why did we leave?" Seba wondered loudly. "Summer is an abomination."

"We are NOT staying long." Darren announced forcefully from his precarious perch on the top bunk. (The highway was undergoing construction and the pot holes came in quick sucession, and RV's are not known for having excellent suspension.) "I'm getting what I need at the hardware store, then you guys can have 30 minutes, no more no less, to look around and then we're going back to the forest for REAL camping. RV parks and hotels are for Pansies and Humans."

"I'm a Pansy." Harkat volunteered. "And you're...half-human, Darren."

"You're so not a Pansy, Harkat." said Arrow appreciatively. "You've conquered concave mountain slopes of ice, slaughtered bears to save Darren's sorry ass, learned how to talk, which takes _some _people over 700 years to master." (he gestures at Seba) "You've driven the Essie to places no Little Person has gone before, since Darren was too much of a pansy to handle parallel parking, you got through Christmas with your mind intact, and you survived a demon-infested island in the middle of the ocean. Harkie, you're a pro."

Harkat blushed and gave Arrow a hug.

"Darren, now he's the pansy." Arrow continued. "Even I can parallel park and I can't even count to 10!"

"What are you talking about, I'm supporting NOT staying in a human establishment!" Darren howled.

"Still, you're generally the token Pansy around here." Mika added.

"How can you say that!" Darren gasped in offence. "Hello, someone in this room is filing his nails right now, and it's not ME!"

"Kurda is about 5 steps below Pansy, duh." said Arrow.

"Pansies are pretty flowers. I used to have a pink flower pot and I grew purple pansies. But Mika threw them into the Pit of Stakes." Kurda informed them with great seriousness.

Darren was very thankful when Arra yelled, "WE'RE HERE."

* * *

What should I do for my birthday, fanfiction-wise? I'd do a contest if i didn't already have one going... maybe a oneshot if I have time. Or general updation. Thatd be good...

PS, I havent forgotten TVF Idol! Just having a hard time deciding who's gonna sing what next...

until nexxxt time!

*Roxxy,


	7. The Shorts From Hell

Goooood morning beloved DSS'ers! How i love morning updates...Thaaannk Goddd for spare periods. If this period was a subject, it would be called TVFology.

Anyywayy this chapter is dedicated to the lovely StayBeautiful1 who gave me an idea for something that happens a bit later in the chap ;) be afraid.

How long has it been since Ive done a disclaimer? Over a year Im guessing...so let me just say ALL CHARACTERS ARE PROPERTY OF ROXYPONY STUDIOS INTERNATIONAL.

As Obama or whoever it was said, I HAVE A DREAM. And my dream is to put the real DS outta business. JUSTT KIDDANG. That man is a genius. Who could totally beat up Stephenie Myer any day.

Darren Shan, we honour you. xo

* * *

"So. I'm going in here to get my stuff, you guys can look around town but do NOT buy anything illegal OR too big to take home. You must pick a buddy, STAY WITH YOUR BUDDY AT ALL TIMES, and I will phone you when 30 minutes is up, and we will meet back here. Got it?" Darren adressed his gang in front of Mr. Crab's Hardware.

Arra looked at him like he'd just sprouted an extra body part. "So...are you like...the babysitter here?"

"Pretty much yeah." Darren replied with as much dignity as possible. "Everyone pick a buddy!"

Mika and Arrow shot together before Kurda could beg to be in the group.

Paris grabbed Seba by the arm.

Arra snaked her arm around Larten's waist.

Harkat looked around carefully to make absolutely sure he hadn't missed anyone, then stepped up beside Kurda with a resigned expression.

"Everyone got a buddy?"

Nods all around.

"Behave, don't kill anyone, try not to scream, don't eat anything that didn't come from a food place, don't steal, if you try clothes on use a change room, don't hurt each other, don't kill-did I say that already? Just stay out of jail!" Darren ordered in a frazzled manner before retreating into the hardware store.

Mika and Arrow immediately took off up the streat in the direction of the tropical-themed bar.

Kurda hauled Harkat off to a surf shop which sold shirts, shorts, little gifts, colourful flip-flops, and everything else that made him go "EEK!"

Arra and Larten began to walk slowly in the direction of the tatoo shop...

Paris steered Seba in the direction of a little museum up the street.

And Darren was free to lose himself in Mr. Crab's Hardware until he found his much-needed item: a metal detector. His plan was to bribe someone to swim out to the canoe and take it back to shore so Darren could then spend the rest of the day floating peacefully across the lake with the metal detector until he located the Escalade keys. Then he'd bribe someone else to dive down and retrieve them.

He stopped and frowned. It sounded less intelligent the second time he thought it through...

He continued to walk again, because he couldn't come up with anything better.

In the bar...

"Mika, look! They have actual coconut cups here! Remember when we made those on the deserted island? Or at least I did, you were too busy being evil."

"That's terrific, Arrow." at the moment Mika was trying to look cool, and didn't feel like discussing the island adventure.

Arrow lost interest in Mika and drained the 6 bottles of vodka he'd just ordered. Not the slightest bit tipsy, he decided to pass the time by playing Tetris on his phone. After several minutes, he noticed the humans in the bar were watching him with awe.

"What?" he snorted. "I was just about to beat this level."

"Six Smirnoffs in one minute? How are you not puking your guts out? Let alone staying on the stool?" the bartender gasped.

"Act drunk!" Mika hissed.

"Ohh." said Arrow, suddenly getting it. Then he added in his most slurry tone:

"Cuzz, Imma Vam-pyhah! Rarr!"

Then to make it extra convincing, he fell off the stool and made a gagging noise.

Mika applauded sarcastically. The humans looked satisfied and went about their business.

At that moment, Arra and Larten sauntered in. Arra looked very pleased with herself, and Larten looked completely mortified."

"...see, Larten. I told you it wouldn't hurt that much." the Vampiress stated perkily, rubbing her companion's patch of red hair.

Larten grumbled something indecipherable, then, "Hey look! Friends!"

Arra plonked herself down beside Mika while Larten helped a fake-drunk Arrow off the floor.

"What are we drinkin'?" said Arra.

"Let's do shots?" Mika suggested.

"Bring it, Ver Leth!"

10 minutes later, there were about 20 empty shot glasses each in front of Arra and Mika, and both were slurring and falling to keep the humans from becoming suspicious, but neither could feel any affects of the alcohol.

"Human shots are borrring. Squishy squishy squishy." Arra snickered as she groped Larten's face.

"Shuddup. You're more drunkerer than me. You're so drunk you don't even know you're drunk, Squishy." Mika chuckled.

Larten rolled his eyes and sipped his martini.

"You guys suck at being fake drunk." Arrow grumbled.

"SUP HOES!" came a delighted shriek from the door. "WHERE'S THE PARTAY AT?"

Kurda had arrived. He flung across the room and hopped onto a stool right beside Arrow, elbowing him in the face as he slammed his bags of purchases down on the bar table.

Harkat wandered in behind him, laden down with even more shopping bags. Arrow lifted him onto a stool where he promptly fell asleep.

Kurda proceeded to gulp pink cocktail after purple cocktail after baby blue cocktail. Arrow revived Harkat with a tall glass of Bailey's.

Not long after, Paris came in, leading Seba who was trying to escape so he could hunt and kill a chihuahua who he thought was a servant of Mr. Tiny. Paris did not look at all suprised to see the rest of the gang, and immediately tied Seba to a stool and sat down to order a large drink.

Mika and Arra had given up their shots contest and were now having very violent thumb wars. Kurda was genuinely drunk and cheered passionately. There are still some Vampires who cannot handle their liquor...

At the other end of the table...

"Arrow..." Harkat asked apprehensively. "Have you been...replaced?"

"What the heck are you talkin about, Harkie?"

"Well...on every other...vacation or holiday...or whatever...you and Mika...are always fighting...or beating someone up...or doing dangerous things...or eating...together. But I haven't...seen you two...do anything together...since we got...here. Because he's...hanging out with...Arra."

Arrow thought for a second. Then his jaw dropped.

"CHARNA'S BIG BUTT!" he gasped in horrified realization. "I'VE BEEN REPLACED BY MY BEST FRIEND!"

Then he put his head down on the table and proceeded to be miserable.

Harkat patted him on the shoulder.

"Cheer up...Arra and Arrow...sound a lot...the same. Maybe Mika...is just...mixed up...and can't tell...the difference?"

Arrow moaned something depressive and indecipherable.

Harkat sipped the remainder of Arrow's hard lemonade.

When Darren emerged triumphantly from the hardware store, toting his metal detector...and pushing a shopping cart which held a large box which contained a deflated inflatable motor boat. He hadn't even known they'd existed until he came upon a large display of them, and was allowed to take one for a test ride in the artificial indoor lake. He wished Vampire Mountain had an artifcial indoor lake...

He glanced up and down the streets and saw no dead bodies or any sign of damage, heard no screaming and saw no emergency vehicles. This must mean the Vampires had found a safe way to entertain themselves! Either that or they were all holed up in the bar he'd just noticed...

ALthough the trek from the Hardware store to the bar was fairly short, Darren managed it with great difficulty due to the fact that his shopping cart seemed determined to slaughter him. When he was finally outside the entrance to the bar, he was so bruised he decided to order a drink just to use it as a cold compress. He opened the door, and only cringed slightly. They were all crowded at the far end of the bar, with the exception of Arrow who was sitting at a nearby table with his head buried in his arms, looking extremely distraught. Darren was about to go make sure he was alright, when he noticed Kurda was about to climb onto the bar table and dance, so Darren decided to intervene with the latter first.

"HAHAHAAAYY DARR BEAR!" Kurda squealed, giving Darren a huge kiss on the top of the head.

"Eew." Darren whined. "Time to go, guys!"

Although Kurda insisted on hugging the bartender goobye and posing for pictures, the gang was eventually back outside wandering down Main Street in the direction of the truck stop where the RV was parked. Darren was in an excellent mood so he decided against starving his friends to keep them tired and controllable, and instructed them to wait on a group of picnic tables while he took off to purchase a stack of 9 burgers.

"I haate burgers!" Kurda howled pathetically. "You can just seeee the calories ooooooozing off them!"

"Eat it." Arra grunted, holding it an inch from his face. Kurda screamed like he was being raped. Mika laughed so hard he fell off the picnic table. He was just getting back up, when Arra popped the burger into Kurda's wide open mouth as he yelled for help. This caused Mika to be so incapacitated with laughter that he banged his head on the leg of the picnic table.

Arrow observed all of this, and pouted tragically.

Seba snarfed the burger claiming it tasted just like bear, but had an extreme problem with relish and almost destroyed the picnic table in his attempt to escape.

Kurda was having a complete breakdown because he'd just had an epiphany: he liked the taste of burgers but couldn't comprehend ingesting all those calories! He was now at a crossroads with no idea what to do with himself.

Eventually, mercifully, lunchtime ended and all Darren wanted to do was return to the campsite and put Operation Key Retrieval in motion.

Until Kurda saw the beach.

"PAAAHHHH LEEEEEAZE DARREN I WANNA GO SWIMMING AND TAAANN!"

"Kurda, no we really gotta go." Darren begged.

"Ex-CUSE me Darren?" Arra snapped suddenly, coming up behind him, pinching him, and making him scream. "Do you own the RV?"

She pinched him again. "DO YOU?"

"NOO!" Darren whined.

"SO, it is not your job to decide where and when MY RV goes!"

"_Our _RV..." Larten mumbled. Arra turned to glare him down.

"You, sir, are going to be _punished_."

"OKAY EVERYBODY TO THE BEACH!" Darren yelled quickly.

"Why is Mr. Crepsley smiling? If she said she was gonna punish me, I'd get scared!" Kurda inquired as they all bolted down the hill in the direction of the sapphire waters.

"The world is a complicated place, Kurda." Darren muttered, trying not to think about it.

With Paris's expert navigational and geological knowledge, the Gang had soon scoped out a perfect spot on the beach on which to set up Beach Camp.

"Here comes Arra's House." Kurda announced as he spotted the RV rolling up the beach, trashing sandcastles and scattering tourists. She parked beside them, leaped out, opened the side compartment and dragged out a large carpet, followed by three purple giant umbrellas.

When 2 out of 3 umbrellas were set up, the 3rd unfortunately blew away. The unfortunate part was that Harkat was attached to it. This caused several minutes of panic as 8 members of the undead went galloping along the beach beneath the freaky purple monstrosity from which dangled what looked like a child from a distance. However, Harkat (ever the thinker) climbed his way up the pole of the umbrella, found the button and retracted it, causing himself to drop like a rock and be caught in the arms of Arrow.

All in all, no harm was done and it would be remembered as a minor blip.

Now came the really big problem: Everyone's swim clothes with the exception of Larten and Arra's were back at the campsite, locked in the Essie. There were a few different approaches to solving this:

"We could swim in our undies?"

"We could swim nakey?"

"We could go back to camp, break a window in the Essie, get our trunks, and swim in our lake?"

"EW NO, our lake is a mudhole. This one is big and nice."

"Hang on- Kurda, what's that?"

The blonde was climbing out of the RV, dragging one of his many colourful suitcases. He pulled it onto the carpet and under the umbrellas, sat down comfortably in the shade, and opened the bag and proceeded to pass folded-up items of clothing to each friend...

"'Babe' ones for Darren, 'I'm All That' ones for Seba, 'I'm # 1' ones for Mika, 'Superstar' ones for Arrow, 'Gorgeous' ones for Paris, 'Heartbreaker' ones for Harkie, and 'Sexy' ones for mee!"

Everyone was now equipped with a pair of swim trunks, each patterned with their respective phrase.

"Well, at least someone brought extras." Darren sighed, staring down at 'Babe' spelled again and again in bright yellow against a black background. He could have gotten worse. Harkat now had 'Heartbreaker' stamped across his butt.

Larten was beyond pleased his own plain red trunks were in the RV-no, wait. He'd forgotten them at home. Crap.

"Kurda, might you have one more pair?"

"Ummm yeeeah but I don't know if you're gonna like them...I don't even wear them that much. They were in the Hyper-Extreme-Clearance section."

"Try me."

Larten donned the trunks Kurda passed him.

Arra whistled.

Arrow put his hand over Harkat's eyes.

Seba tried to bury his head under the sand.

Mika looked suicidal.

Paris looked like someone who'd seen the horrors of war.

Darren really hoped they could get from here to the water without any strangers seeing these shorts.

(**These shorts are to be left to the imagination.**)

"OK GUYS, TIME TO SWIM!" Darren bellowed, pointing at the water. "And NO drowing!"

Arra gave the boys a look of pure "wow." and made herself comfortable in her reclining lawn chair.

Arrow normally wouldn't have anything to do with water, but the thought of being under the same umbrella as his best-friend-stealer repulsed him. He decided to try wading. Kurda could handle it, how hard could it be?

At Darren's battlecry, the gang tore across the beach. It took about 3 steps before they realised that the sand beneath their feet was about 500 degrees.

"OWOWOWOWOW OWOWOWOW OWOWOW HOTHOTHOTHOT!" was the collective howl as they pranced across the beach, which dissolved to a relieved "Aaaaahhhhhhh..." as they leaped mightily into the water, 8 powerful splashes, followed quickly by a shocked chorus of screams: "COLD COLD COLD COLD COLD COLD!"

"Are you guys back already?" Arra sighed as her travelling companions dripped water on the carpet.

"Cold." Kurda sniffled.

"HOT!" Darren wailed, accidentally stepping off the carpet and onto the sand.

Arra looked up from the vehicle magazine she was reading. Her eyes slowly scanned the crowd of shivering bedraggled Vampires. Then suddenly...

"Charna's guts, Mika!" she gasped.

"What?"

"Um...did you lose something?" she asked calmly with a slightly raised eyebrow.

All eyes turned to Mika.

"OMFG AAHHHH!" Kurda screamed, taking off and sprinting in the other direction.

Seba dropped to all fours and buried his head in the sand.

"ARRA, STOP LOOKING!" Larten whined.

Paris slowly put his hands over his eyes.

"I don't think I lost anything." said Mika nervously. "I didn't have anything to lose, except..."

He looked down and frowned.

"My shorts."

Arra giggled and passed him a towel.

"Someone wanna come help me find my shorts?" the dark Prince inquired with as much calmness as he could muster while tieing a purple towel around his waist.

"We were in the water for like 3 seconds, they couldn't have gone far." said Darren uncomfortably.

"There they are!" Mika yelled with great relief. They appeared to be floating just a few feet away from the shore.

Mika, Darren, and Harkat made their way painstakingly down the dreadfully hot sand while the others huddles in the shade, trying to forget the horrors they'd witnessed. Larten anxiously asked Arra: "But you are sure you did not _see_ anything, right? You did not look, did you?"

"Once I get my shorts back, I would like to leave this place." Mika muttered through gritted teeth as they approached the floating shorts.

"For sure." said Darren. Then, "HEY! YOU! PUT THOSE DOWN! THEY'RE OURS! DON'T YOU DARE! TAKE THOSE OFF RIGHT NOW! PUT YOURS BACK ON! DON'T YOU DARE MOON ME! DON'T-Oh my, that is disgusting."

A little boy around the same age Darren had been when he stole the spider had come trotting down the beach, spied Mika's shorts, and promptly exchanged his Spongebob ones for them. The skull-patterned shorts were now running back to what appeared to be his family, so the Vampires made a unanimous decision that it would be inappropriate to chase the boy down and demand he remove his shorts. So Mika was now the proud owner of a pair of very small Spongebob swim trunks, which he wore with great dignity.

And to this day, Darren still wonders why he brought the computer into Vampire Mountain.

* * *

Weeeooo I just had to throw a Darren-regretting-computer line in there...haven't used one in...a long long time!

So, Larten's shorts. At first I had an idea for what they were actually gonna look like, but then I decided to leave out a description so you guys could just imagine the horrors.

Good news! (For you guys, not me.) The competition season is almost over for me :( this Saturday is the last showdown of the year, with the biggest money prizes and the bitchiest competition. After that, my life shuts down until some evening in November where they count up the points, give out the High Point Awards, then we all eat, dance, and get drunk. Then the next day we die inside till the season picks up again in May. Whatta life.

I suppose youre wondering why on earth I think you care... =updating time substantially increases! Yeeaw.

Goodbye golden summer bliss...goodbye long waits between updation. Hello Hell Frozen Over...Hello frequent updation! It's win-lose no matter how you slice it.

But even though my heavenly summerized existence is coming to an end, I dont love you any less. :)

SO REVIEW.

OH, AND IF YOURE IN MY SONGFIC SUPRISE CONTEST, DONT FORGET, THE DEADLINE FOR ENTRIES IS OCTOBER THE FIRST. GET THEM INNNNN!

*Roxxy,


	8. Campfire Round 2

I updated? Woah. Weird.

_(gotta yap about my life for a bit now)_

Immm soooo soorrryyy for the wait, guys :( I was gonna get this up on wednesday, then thursday, then FRIDAY FOR SURE! Then it just didn't come together...then I was solid busy, not to mention extreemelyyyy emotional all weekend... this summer was my last year competing on my beloved horse Smoke, the only man I live for, y'know, the one I blabb about excessively, keeps me from updating more frequently, he's basically a Vampire Mountain-sized part of my life...anyway, Saturday night was one of the Awards Banquet for the 2010 season, and Smoke won me...basically everything we could have possibly won in 1 season. Really, nothing I say here can describe to you what a superstar he is, how proud I am to own him, and just how much I adore him and am amazed by him. And the next day, we and the 15 other girls on my riding team travelled to Toronto to perform at the biggest indoor show in Canada to a sold-out crowd. He was 1 of 16 horses, but to me he stole the show. This was our last ride away from home, and I figured it was pretty fitting, because he's going to a new home at some point this winter. Somewhere nice to retire, lots of chillax time, no more running to win, or early morning practices, just relaxation and lots of food. Right now we're scoping out a few options, all with big warm comfy barns, lots of friends for him, plenty of kids- he loves 'em, and most importantly, close enough to visit. FREQUENTLY... Fuckitall, I hate thinking of him being someone else's baby :/ I cried so much this weekend... in a good way though. I'll miss him and it'll be him I think of as I work with my new horse.

Anyway, I could fill up cyberspace talking about my boy, but you guys still wouldn't understand... so let's just simplify it: Smoke and everything we've accomplished together is what puts the majority of Happy in my life, and Happy is what leads to TVF. So if you don't know shit about horses, you can still appreciate that without him, there wouldn't be much of a me.

So you can understand that much at least :)

Now where were we. OH, updation. Hmmmm.

Here it is!

_

* * *

Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream  
Merrily merrily merrily merrily,  
Life is but a dream_

_Haha. Yeah right._ Darren Shan thought to himself. The "boat" part was about right. And that was all. He didn't have rows, he had an extremely loud outboard motor. He certainly didn't have the "gently" part, he had 3 Vampires killing each other over the last cookie. He didn't have the "stream" part, he had a massive lake, on the bottom of which lay his keys...somewhere. He didn't have the "merrily" part either, he felt totally doomed. Harkat, on the other hand was merry indeed. He'd won the fight and gotten his cookie -mainly because Seba and Arrow were either seasick or completely terrified of the water and were in no condition to do battle. Oh, and Gillbert was there as well...Harkat was unwilling to leave him alone for any period of time. As for the "life is but a dream" part? That was open to interpretation, whether life was a dream or a nightmare.

Darren was leaning towards the latter.

"Darren Darren Daaarren? Where are the keys?" Kurda whined.

"That's what we're trying to determine." Darren grunted, arms aching from holding the metal detector above the water.

"But where is it?" Kurda persisted.

"Arrow, drown him." Darren ordered.

"Do...do you...MEAN that?" Arrow gasped hopefully.

"I wish." Darren snorted.

Kurda, not getting it, hummed happily. Seba hunkered down on the bottom of the boat, seemingly trying to melt through the floor. He despised boats, but the remainder of the camping party had thrown him on board when Darren announced he was hitting the lake. Darren couldn't possibly understand why Arrow had accompanied him, the guy was scared to death of drowning, and an inflatable boat wasn't a good way to conquer this fear, but Arrow declared thta he'd rather take his chances with the lake than stay on shore and watch as Arra stole his best friend. However, he'd taken precautions: he was wearing 3 life-jackets on his body, 5 water-wings on each arm, a snorkel, and he'd borrowd Kurda's purple goggles.

Darren remembered going through a smiliar situation...in freakin Kindergarden! He could have sworn that their maturity level was decreasing by the day.

He took a moment to observe the screen of Arra's GPS, which he'd borrowed for the trip. It wasn't very helpful in finding the keys, nor did it tell him any useful information other than the fact that he was drifting somewhere approximately in the middle of the lake. He then checked the time on his phone... joy, he'd been on the lake for 3 hours. In 3 hours, Arrow had suffered 5 nervous breakdowns, Seba had attempted escape twice, Kurda had broken 3 fingernails, and Harkat had taken to scooping handfuls of lake water into Gillbert's cooler, to "refresh" him while telling him all about Vampire Mountain. At least until Arrow asked if, since Harkat had scarfed all the cookies, "can I PLEASE eat Gillbert?" At this, Harkat let out a horrific scream and tried to shove Arrow into the water.

Darren began to zone out. He zoned out and out and out...until his metal detector went off, loudly.

He screamed in shock, then realized his plan had worked! That certainly didn't happen very often. He couldn't have been more delighted.

"Wuzzat mean?" Kurda asked.

"IT MEANS WE FOUND THE ESSIE KEYS AND NOW WE CAN GO HOME!"

"Yay!" Kurda declared. "Full speed towards shore, Arrow!"

Arrow obliged, preparing to crank the motor.

"WAAIT!" Darren howled. "We gotta GET the keys off the bottom first!"

Blank stares.

"Any volunteers?"

He automatically looked to Harkat, who shook his head.

"You tried...to kill...Gilbert. I am not...doing you...any favours."

"Harkie, this is for the greater good!" Darren whined.

Harkat sat down and crossed his arms. Never before had he been so adamant about anything. Then he looked up at Darren with an expression of shock.

"I can't...believe...you would...ask me...to swim...to the...bottom...of a...LAKE! Even if...I wasn't...mad at...you... Who do...you think...you...are?"

"Well someone has to!" Darren whined. "We can't go back to shore and find someone else, or we'll lose this spot!"

"If my calculations are correct, you're the most qualified candidate in this boat." Arrow stated.

He had a point there, Darren thought.

He glanced around at cowering Seba, growling obscenities at the outboard motor, Arrow coated in floatation devices, grumpy Harkat, and oblivious Gillbert.

Wait a second...

_Gillbert!_

Why hadn't he thought of it sooner?

"Okay Harkat, I'm really sorry that I tried to eat the fish-I mean Gillbert-but right now, we really really need his help."

Harkat wrapped his arms protectively around the cooler.

"You don't deserve...his help."

"Think of _us_! We're your _friends_! Kurda hasn't had a decent manicure in days, Paris hasn't been keeping up-to-date on advances in molecular fusion since we got here, Mr. Crepsley...well, he can't really complain... Mika is being a complete moron because we all know fresh air makes him phsyco, Arrow is wearing water wings for Pete's Sake, and Seba has been reduced to _that_!" he pointed dramatically at shaking, rocking, muttering Seba.

"He always...looks like...that." Harkat mumbled, although sounding unsure of himself. Darren's speech had got him thinking...

He _was _missing Shark Week on the Discovery Channel right now...

"Darren's back!" Paris bellowed from atop the RV. He was attempting to tweak the antennae to see if they could pick up the Pay Per View movie channels in time for supper. It was the end of another long boring day in Camp Vamp, and the temperature was falling considerably. He'd had to ditch his Bermuda shorts in favour of fuzzy pants.

Mika and Arra looked up from their game of Extreme Tic-Tac-Toad (played with real toads). Larten looked up from his spot beneath the shade umbrella from which he had been observing Mika and Arra with extreme resentment.

Darren was indeed pulling up to the dock in his inflatable motorboat. In one hand he dangled the Essie keys triumphantly, and in the other there was a rope attached to the canoe which he was dragging behind them. He'd clearly had a sucessful retrieval mission which, let's face it, no one had been expecting.

"Finally! You can all clear out of my RV!" Larten announced happily as he trotted down the beach to greet Darren, Harkat, Kurda, Seba, and Arrow.

"OUR RV!" Arra snapped, throwing a toad at his head.

To Arrow's dissapointment, rather than coming to welcome his friend, Mika remained engrossed in a particularly extremely epic match of Tic-Tac-Toad in which Arra was beating him.

Harkat made an odd cough which sounded a lot like "Replaced."

Seba flung himself passionately out of the boat, did a faceplant in the sand, and promised he'd never leave it again.

Kurda made a beeline to the RV bathroom to adjust his hair which had been completely "DESTROYED" by the humidity.

Harkat set Gillbert's cooler on top of the picnic table and politely reminded everyone that the fish was in need of a Hero's Welcome.

Darren bolted to the Escalade, cranked open all 4 doors plus the back hatch, only to discover that the back hadn't actually been locked. Woopsie. No one had to know about that...

"ANYONE UP FOR A FEAST?" Darren bellowed, hauling out the Master Cooler which took up the whole back of the vehicle, and contained all the chips, gatorade, cookies, pepperettes, candy, pop, hot dogs, and hamburgers you could eat.

8 pairs of eyes locked on to the cooler.

_STAMPEDE!_

"And I made this exquisite stew from boiled lake water, mushrooms, and the bark of 7 different types of trees!" Paris added excitedly. No one listened.

Within 5 minutes, everyone was situated in perfect bliss.

Harkat and Darren (best friends once again) sat next to Gillbert on the picnic table, wrapped in Harkat's Frog-patterned blanket, slurping Gatorade and chomping burgers. Seba was using all of his brainpower to read the package try to figure out exactly what ingredients composed Hot Dogs. Paris was whipping up an extra-large pot of coffee. Larten was looking at the pictures in a camping magazine that had been found beneath the cooler while munching his way through a bag or Oreos. Kurda was demonstrating how efficiently he could file his nails and eat low-fat chips at the same time. Arrow lay sadly beneath the picnic table nibbling a pepperette, after having denied Harkat's invitation to partake in a Gatorade-chugging contest.

And Mika and Arra, being the only ones brave enough to sample Paris' Nature Stew, had revealed it to be incredibly potent stuff, and were now doing shots with it. Turns out of you're a Vampire, Nature Stew is the quickest option.

"WEEEEOOOOO CAMPING!" Mika yelled delightedly, 9 shots later, punching the air triumphantly. Or at least he meant to punch the air, he ended up punching an owl instead.

"Yurr so dum-bum-dumb." Arra chortled.

Paris sighed and crossed Nature Stew off his list of "Things To Make More Often".

"Arra, would you like to come sit with me?" Larten inquired casually.

She didn't answer, she and Mika were playing Extreme Tic-Tac-Toad, Round 2.

"Arra, I would like it if you came and sat with me." Larten tried again.

"IN YO FACE LOOZA PALOOZA!" She hollered at Mika, trying to shove a toad up his nose. "EEAT ITTT!"

"Arra, please come sit with me!" Larten whined. She finally responded. By throwing a toad at his face.

From under the picnic table, Arrow caught Larten's eye. The glanced at the drunken duo, then back at each other, and their faces cracked into scheming grins.

Mission: Split-Up-Mika-And-Arra. (At least until they thought up a more creative name.)

Meanwhile, Darren was trying to complete the camping experience by building a fire. The matches were still not treating him well, he'd forgotten to buy a lighter from Mr. Crab's Hardware, and he had made sure the gasoline was well-hidden in case anyone was in the mood to create a mushroom cloud of flames.

But 10 minutes and an entire box of matches later, he barely had a sizzle. He was down to 1 last match. He held it up.

"Anyone?"

Harkat smiled, shook his head, and backed away.

"I will try!" said Seba. Darren acted like he hadn't heard.

"_Anyone?_"

Apparently not.

"Paris? You're usually good at this outdoors crap."

"Darren, can you not see I am busy?"

Oh he was busy all right, reading a boat magazine and recieving a foot massage from Kurda who had been led to believe that giving a foot massage was equivalent to recieving a hand massage.

"Just break out the gas again!" said Mika as though it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"Again?" snapped Darren. "What do you mean AGAIN?"

"Ahhhmmm..."

"YOU SAID THE MUSHROOM CLOUD WAS CUZ OF LIGHTNING!" Darren wailed.

"It, um, was." said Mika. "Gasoline-induced lightning."

"WHY ARE YOU SO IRRESPONSIBLE!" Darren howled.

"Is that a question, or...?"

Darren through the last match at Mika. He missed. Then he stomped into the RV and slammed the door.

"And he says I'M 6 years old?" Mika grunted incredulously

"He's clearly having his time of the month." Arra muttered loudly.

No one got the reference. She didn't bother explaining.

Anyway, in no time at all, Harkat and Paris had rigged up a little fire-starter thing made of wood and string, which looked impossible worked on the first try. Luckily Darren hadn't been watching from the window or else he might have killed himself right there. (Darren, in fact, was currently treating himself to a hot shower in hopes of using up all of the warm water.)

Soon the 8 creatures of the night were wrapped in blankets and parked on folding chairs around a perfect-sized happy little fire, smiling and chuckling and not attacking each other. Until Mika and Arra began telling ghost stories, which had Kurda screaming and pulling his pink princess blanket over his face, Seba darting his eyes suspiciously and muttering under his breath, and Paris shooting down each story by describing their inaccuracies.

By this point, Darren was staring out the window, cloaked in his fuzzy green robe with a matching towel wrapped around his head, Spongebob slippers on, and wearing a megawatt death glare.

"No, no, nooo, you're doing it wrong!" he moaned, finally storming outside. "You're _supposed _to be in a circle _around _the fire, not a diagonal rectangular trianguar parallelogram!"

He proceeded to grab each chair by the back, and haul it into a proper position, one at a time. Once the circle was complete (or at least as circular as possible, he hadn't been able to budge Seba very far.) he pulled out the Master Cooler.

"You guys suck at campfiring. You're supposed to tell the ghost stories _while _ you're eating the food."

"WE GET FOOD?" came the resounding reply.

"I think that is a health hazard..." Larten mused.

"How many calories are we talkin here?" Kurda inquired.

"S'MORES!" Darren bellowed. "Remember?"

"What is a...a...some-more?"

"Mr. Crepsley, there are some words in this world that just don't work without a contraction. S'mores is one of them."

The S'mores were a s'mashing success. However, it took a few tries to get them made right... Seba's first attempt consisted of a cookie stuck between 2 marshmallows, instead of the other way around. Then the melted marshmallows became fused to his hand when they melted, which he shook frantically to the point of almost dislocating it, and it (the s'more, not his hand) then landed in Kurda's eye, which caused a great panic.

The second try was no better. Mika accidentally dropped his in the fire, and determinedly went in after it, and was hauled back by Larten and Arra, hollering like a starved maniac all the while and holding his burnt fingers. Darren made another s'more and kindly passed it to him.

Sooner or later, they got it figured out before anyone lost an eye, or sustained 4th-degree burns. Unfortunately, they were a bit toooo successful. The Vampires kept wanting s'more, and s'more, and s'more, until there were n'more s'mores.

"I WANT S'MORE!" moaned Kurda, calorie worries forgotten.

"I would also like some more." Larten notified.

"I have lots of wieners!" Darren offered.

8 pairs of eyes bugged out of their sockets at this announcement.

"OH GROW UP, I MEANT HOT DOGS!"

This got everyone quite silly.

"Hey Kurda, can I touch your wenis?" Mika inquired innocently.

Kurda adopted the facial expression of a dying fish, knocked over his chair, ran for his life, was intercepted by a large tree, fell down, got up, and ran for his life again.

Everyone looked at Mika with extreme awkwardness.

"Wenis is part of your elbow!" the dark Prince informed them incredulously. "You didn't KNOW that?"

No one looked entirely convinced. Darren googled it on his phone.

"It's true!" he gasped in awe.

"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU THINK I MEANT?" Mika snarled viciously.

"How 'bout you just sit down and have a marshmallow." said Darren tiredly.

Kurda eventually returned to the fire, (Retrieved by Harkat and Arrow. He'd been hiding in a tree. A 5-foot tall tree.) and Darren read him the official dictionary deifnition of Wenis, gave him a low-calorie nature crunch bar, and he was fine for the rest of the night.

Slowly, the fire started to die, the food supply depleted, and the Vampires moved less and less, finally becoming tired and almost dozy.

As the last spark died, Darren tried to rouse his troops.

"K guys, start packing up so we don't have to do it all in the morning. Chop-chop!"

"Where'r we goin?" Mika muttered sleepily.

"Home, remember? We decided this yesterday? Camping isn't for us, apparently."

"What'r you talkin 'bout? Camping's not that bad." said Mika.

"The some-mores were excellent." said Larten.

"Camping is...fun." said Harkat, hugging Gillbert's cooler.

"We haven't raised enough hell yet." said Arra.

"Nature is pretty." said Kurda, holding an ice pack to where he'd bonked his head on the tree.

Darren looked around, and realisation of great truth dawned on him. They'd done it! They'd had a blissful evening around a campfire, sang songs, told stories, told jokes, annoyed each other in a good-natured way, got a little violent, eaten s'mores, that pretty much covered it!

One part of Darren wanted to quit while he was ahead.

But the other part wanted to do what he'd done on the Ski Vacation. On Christmas. On Valentine's day. On the failed trip to Florida. On Halloween. For the Spider Wedding. On every other thing they'd ever done: Try a little harder. Push them out of their comfort zone. Make them respect human traditions a little more.

Okay, maybe not that last one.

But if he quit now, he wouldn't be Darren Shan.

So he said:

"Well...we could go hiking instead?"

* * *

*No toads were harmed in the making of this chapter*

Also, the wenis thing is true. Me and my friends discussed this in a truck bed, attached to a horse trailer, in the pouring rain, in downtown Toronto at about 7am yesterday. How we got in there is a long story.

Anyway, I know what's going down in the next chapter, so I'll be able to start within the week. However, CHRIISSTTMMMAAASSS is fast approaching and I may have to put it on hold for THAT ;)

Till next time!

*Roxxy,


	9. Bros Before Hoes

**VAMPIRE MOUNTAIN NEWSWATCH**

[insert trippy theme music]**  
**

Larten: Good evening and welcome to our December 6 2010 edition of VMW! Roxy could not be with us tonight for the live premiere of Camp Vamp: Chapter 9, as she is currently watching an incredibly cheesy Christmas movie, but sends her regards as always! We now go live to Harkat Mulds with our forescast for the night!

Harkat: *waves* Hi...everyone! The forecast...for this evening...is 100% chance of updation...followed by showers of reviews...hopefully...and a possibility...of extreme snowfall...which would result...in a school cancellation...tomorrow...which would...bring...an abundance of...extra writing time...and even more...updation. Now over to...a representative...from Roxypony Studios...International.

Arrow: Thank you, Mulds. Roxypony wishes to inform all of you that she has been working on this steadily for a week actually. She crammed a lot into this chapter but it's long and un-crappy-ish apparently, so she thinks you should be reasonably satisfied! Also, she knows this was supposed to be the Summer fic, but she got busy and lazy so that didnt really pan out... so instead of putting it on hold for a year she decided to just plow through it and here we are today! For other breaking news, over to Darren.

Darren: Hey hi how are ya... in recent news, you have all been invited to enter Roxy and StayBeautiful1's _**Holly Jolly Christmas Contest**_ so if you have ever wanted to showcase your festive and Vampiric side at the same time, this is the contest for you! Details in document found on RP's profile! Also, Still Alone Still Alive Still Unbroken has recently been updated and everyone is encouraged to check it out and please leave a review! Finally, there are plenty of Christmas suprises still to come in the Holiday season of 2010!

Kurda: Noooww, onto theee ficciee! Goodniight! Kissez!

[insert trippy theme music]**  
**

* * *

Darren had forgotten to set his alarm.

Kurda had not.

The 9 campers were woken up at some ungodly hour by;

"I WHIP MY HAIR BACK AND FORTH I WHIP MY HAIR BACK AND FORTH I WHIP MY HAIR BACK AND FORTH!"

He'd figured out how to hook his PinkBerry up to the RV's speaker system so that his alarm tune blared loud enough to wake the hibernating rodents across the lake.

"It's...THAT...song..." Mika grunted, reaching for his noise-cancelling headphones. However, before he laid hands on them, they were stepped on by Kurda as he busted out a disturbing series of dance moves.

"It's mocking me." Arrow mumbled, pulling a pillow over his head.

"Okay Kurda, we get it." Darren grunted. "Turn it off."

"Already taken care of!" called Arra. There was a crunching noice, then she stepped out of the RV cabin holding a spear...with Kurda's PinkBerry impaled on the end.

Kurda couldn't seem to find any words to express his horror, so he assumed a Gillbert-like facial expression.

"Woooow." Mika whistled. "I always threaten him but I never actually go through with it." He hi-fived Arra.

Arrow glared and didn't comment on how the smashing of the PinkBerry had been a goal that he alone had shared with Mika. But he didn't have time to be upset, because Darren was on a rampage jamming all manners of objects into backpacks muttering to himself.

"What's this now?" Paris grumbled.

"Hiking, remember?" replied Mika.

"Right. We should have just told him to stick with the first plan."

"How true."

"UP UP UP EVERYBODY UP!" Darren hollered as the Vampires slowly began their ascent from various sleeping places.

Larten rolled out of the bottom bunk. Harkat dove off the master bed, then ran to the bathroom to retrieve Gillbert who'd spent the night in the tub. Paris put his silk face mask back on and pulled his fuzzy blanket back over his head in an expression of refusal to leave his spot on the top bunk. However, he was roughly shoved out by Seba who was sandwiched on the other side. Mika was camped on the pull-out couch. His headphones had been on the nearby kitchen counter on which Kurda had been dancing. Lastly, Arrow crawled slowly out of the master bed and reaised he'd been sleeping on the TV remote which was now indented into his side.

"So what's the plan, _Boss_?" Mika snorted as he got in line behind the coffee machine.

Darren missed the sarcasm in his voice.

"Well, we're going to pack everything into the boats and then go out to the middle of the lake, eat breakfast, then boat over to the South island, park the boats, hike up the hill, and have a picnic lunch on the top!"

"And then what? We just stay there?" Kurda gasped in an extremely upset tone.

"Yeah, we'll wipe ourselves with leaves and eat bark for the rest of our lives." Mika snorted.

"Is that not what normal Vampires are supposed to do anyway?" snapped Arra.

"I've never heard of Vampires eating bark." Paris commented.

"Shut up old man!" Arra growled. "You pansies with your fluffy mattresses and big TVs with digital satellite and colourful kitchen appliances with orthopedic grips and Blu-ray players and high-speed internet."

"And houses on wheels with all of those things inside them." Kurda chimed in.

"Shut up. It's Larten's RV anyway."

"Oh so NOW you admit it's mine?" Larten grumbled after finishing his 2nd cup of coffee.

"Time to head out!" Darren yelled before the argument could escalate. "Do we have everything?"

"You're the one who packed." Arrow pointed out.

"Everyone grab a bag!" Darren bellowed, pointing at the assortment of bags which he'd packed haphazardly and then tossed on the master bed.

Kurda recognized his Gucci shoulder bag and eagerly grabbed it to find out it suddenly weighed almost the same as him. Arrow picked up the nearest bag, which was actually Paris' golf bag. It didn't contain any golf equipment at the moment, Darren had dumped it all behind the RV and replaced it with hiking necessities. Harkat closed the lid on Gillbert's cooler and sealed it with duck tape, he wasn't taking any chances. Larten picked up a backpack that was almost larger than him. Mika grabbed a similar one because it smelled good.

Once the bags had been gathered, the Gang trooped out to the boats. Darren, Harkat, Gillbert, Arrow and Seba piled into the canoe, while Mika, Arra, Larten, Kurda, and Paris crammed into the inflatable motorboat.

And they departed.

At least, the motorboat did. The canoe made a hopeless circle since Seba and Arrow were paddling out of synch with Darren and Harkat. After nearly capsizing, Darren going overboard, and taking out half the dock, they finally sucked it up and screamed for assistance.

Ship #2 came sailing over the lake at about 200mph, causing waves that caused Gillbert's cooler to flip into the water.

"GILLBERT!" Harkat wailed. "HE'S...GONNA...DROWN!"

"Harkat... he's a fish." Arrow stated incredulously as the sealed cooler bobbed harmlessly in the water and the Little Person reached desperately for it.

"SAVE...HIM!" Harkat cried as the cooler drifted slightly out of his reach. Arrow sighed and plucked the cooler out of the water to set it down beside Harkat.

"We heard someone around here desperately needs help?" said Arra with a withering glare that had obviously been learned from Mika.

"Just tie this on." Darren grunted, tossing a rope.

Once the rope was secure...

"3...2...1!" Arra yelled.

Mika revved the motor. Both boats shot forward. The motor occupants had secured themselves, with the exception of Kurda who ended up flying backwards into Mika. The canoe crew met a similar fate as Kurda, and there were many screams of pain as they flung back and became wedged in the back of the canoe.

"Hang on tight!" Arra yelled, a bit belatedly.

"I haaaate boooaats." Kurda gulped before leaning over the side and experiencing seasickness at its finest. This caused Mika to cringe, and then participate in the seasickness, which set Kurda off again. Ping-pong-puke ensued.

"Ahhh, the joys of sailing." sighed Paris happily.

Darren tried to splash him with a paddle, but the water came back and hit him full in the face.

###

Finally, they dropped anchor (figuratively speaking, their boats weren't actually equipped with anchors) for lunch in what Arra's GPS told them was the middle of the lake.

"Such serenity!" said Paris with delight. He'd braided his beard for the occasion and put on his most favourite Hawaiian shirt loaded with plenty of pockets, and camo capris that were similarly adorned. Not to mention he was the proud owner of a pimped out fisherman's hat.

"You can say that again." Mika grunted as he and Kurda broke out the Peptobismol.

"Such serenity!" Paris repeated.

Mika threw the bottle of Pepto at him.

"Daaarrreeenn, you brought my zero-cal nature bars right?" asked Kurda.

"I don't know Kurda, did I?" Darren snapped back impatiently as he wrestled with a container of fruit which had been inadvertently sealed shut.

Kurda took a few seconds to puzzle that one out. In the meantime, Kurda carefully opened the cooler to check if Gillbert had survived the ride.

"Harkat, this looks like an excellent place to let Gillbert go back to his friends and family." Larten stated.

Harkat did not look at him, and offered Gillbert a bite of rice krispy square, then rummaged in the nearest backpack for something to eat. He withdrew a bell on a string.

"What's this?"

"Bear bell. You ring it as you walk, and bears get scared away and don't eat you." Darren explained.

"Have you been watching the _Discovery Channel: Extreme Outdoorsman Edition _again? I thought I cancelled our subscription because it gives you bad ideas." Larten sighed.

"I called them and un-cancelled." Arrow interjected. "I wasn't gonna miss Shark Week."

"Are sharks fish?" Kurda asked. "Fish is sushi. Sushi is good. It makes your skin soft."

"Yeah they're fish." said Arrow.

"Did you even _watch_ Shark Week? They are whales! Whales are mammals!" said Larten.

"Fish _are_ mammals!" Darren. "They have babies like us!"

"Idiot, we don't have babies. We're Vampires." Arra snapped.

"VAMPIRES DON'T HAVE BABIES?" Kurda gasped. "Then where the heck do they come from?"

"Fish lay...eggs. Maybe Vampires...lay eggs...too." Harkat suggested.

"VAMPIRES ARE FISH?" Kurda wailed.

"Fish lay EGGS?" Seba hollered, aghast.

"Yeah...fish eggs...look like...jelly!" said Harkat.

There was a silence.

"Darren..." said Mika. "...what did you say was in these jelly sandwiches?"

There was the sound of 8 creaures spitting at once, and 8 sandwiches being flung into the lake.

"It was strawberry jelly." Darren grumbled.

###

"I looooove all these pretty plants!" Kurda gasped happily as he ran rampant around the bit of forest overlooking the lake.

"Fifty bucks says gets eaten alive by something." Mika muttered.

"You're on." Arra smirked.

Meanwhile, Darren and Harkat had tied the boats to overhanging tree limbs with some difficulty before climbing carefully up the little rocky cliff to join the others at the top, just in time to hear,

"Kurda, dude, that's poison ivy."

...Followed by a horrific scream and a blond blur attempting to run off the cliff. Luckily, he was intercepted by Darren and Harkat and hauled back to the gang, still screaming that he'd been poisoned and was gonna die.

"Mika, when I die, I want you to have my hair straightener." he sniffed miserably as the hike commenced.

"Itchy yet, Kurdy?" Mika shot back.

"Yeah!" Kurda whined as if he'd only just noticed, and proceeded scratch his arms furiously.

"Surely you packed some Itch Cream, Darren?" Larten inquired. "The sound of his scratching is already driving me batty."

"Um yeah, um, let's think...it'll be in one of these bags..."

But 15 minutes and 7 bags worth of contents scattered on the ground revealed no such cream.

Kurda was too distracted by itching to freak out.

"How the hell did he come in contact with it?" Darren sighed.

"He hugged it." Mika informed him.

"Oh. Wow."

"Yeah."

"Hey Darren, is this what you're looking for?" Paris called, withdrawing a tube from his pocket. It was lime green with ITCH NO MORES! in bold purple.

"Yeah!" said Darren eagerly "Thanks. Why the heck did you have it?"

"I was reading the ingredients because I finished all the books I brought. What country did this some from? I don't know if this stuff is legal."

"See Paris? Right here? It says, FOR KURDA USE ONLY." said Darren, pointing vaguely at the tube.

Paris rolled his eyes and handed over the tube. Darren then tossed it at Kurda.

"I gotta go behind a bush and put this on." the blonde gasped, ducking into the foliage. "Don't leave without me, kay?"

"Wouldn't dream of it." said Mika, then gestured for everyone to move out.

"Look, Gillbert...that's a tree...and that's a flower...and that's a rock...isn't it...pretty?" Harkat announced to his companion.

"This tree is an abomination." Seba groaned as some twigs had the nerve to tickle his back.

"Are my ears going, or is that the BILLIONTH time he's said that word?" Arra snapped.

"Your ears are going." Larten muttered under his breath.

"WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?"

"How's it going over there, Kurda?" Darren called apprehensively.

"Pretty good. Um Darren, you always told me not to pet strange dogs, right?" came the reply from behind the shrubs.

"Yeah...?"

"Well, can we try to find his owners?"

"Kurda, what the hell are you doing back there?"

Darren just had to investigate. He walked right up, peeked through the shrubbery...

"Oh hey Darren! See, it's a lost doggy!"

"Charna's...big...saggy...butt..." Darren moaned, backing away from the bushes. "Kurda that's not a dog, that's a baby bear. And where there are baby bears, there's usually-"

_ROOOOOOOOOOAAAARRRRRR!_

"Mom bears."

By now, Kurda had figured it out.

"K, UMM, UH OH, DARREN THERE'S A REALLY BIG DOG HERE!"

(Mostly figured out anyway.)

Darren grabbed his bear bell and waved it furiously.

"These things don't work at all!"

Kurda bolted out from behind the bushes, half-covered in ITCH NO MORES! cream.

"RRRRUUUNNN!"

"Remember back in the days when Vampires wrestled bears?" Arra snapped, glaring suggestively at Larten as they stampeded.

Larten didn't answer because he'd crashed into a tree. Arrow picked him up, dropped him back on his feet and kept running. The Mom Bear roared and continued to gain on them, and the group scattered. In a blind panic, Harkat leaped over a stump that was almost as tall as he was. Kurda and Seba were forced to share a vine and swing over a small canyon. Arrow accidentally tripped into Mika, and they both slammed into a rock which happened to be located directly beside a cliff that overlooked the rocky North side of the little island.

"DUMBASS, I WAS RUNNING FOR MY LIFE!" Mika screeched furiously, kicking Arrow.

"OUCH YOU FRIGGING MORON, MAYBE IF YOU WEREN'T SO BUSY STARING AT ARRA YOU WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN BLOCKING MY WAY!" Arrow hollered back, kicking Mika's shin.

"I WAS NOT -wait, what?"

"You were totally running right in front of me!"

"No, about Arra!"

"OH PLEASE, since we got here you've been joined at the friggen hip! When are you gonna announce your engagement to Crepsley?"

"WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?"

"I'M TALKING ABOUT HOW YOU REPLACED ME WITH THAT BITCH!"

"What?" Mika whined, hopelessly lost.

"Killing Kurda's phone and making him cry and shooting up flaming mushroom clouds and fishing and throwing things at things and hitting things and drinking too much and smashing things are activities we're meant to do together!" Arrow blurted out miserably.

"Excuse me for making a new friend." muttered Mika grumpily, pulling a large thorn out of his pinky finger.

"Why would you want another friend when you have me?" Arrow sniffled, sitting down beside the rock.

"I have no idea." said Mika with an eye roll. Then added under his breath, "_whiner baby."_

Unfortunately for almost everyone, Arrow heard this, and he punched Mika full in the face. Mika did not appreciate this, and shoved Arrow off the cliff.

Several seconds later, he realised that might have been slightly drastic.

"Oops."

He peeked over the edge. Arrow was clinging to an overhanging tree branch for dear life.

"CHARNA'S FAT SAGGY PARTS, MIKA WHAT THE DAMN HELL DID YOU DO?" he bellowed furiously.

"Um...yeeah...I forgot the cliff was here...my bad!" Mika offered.

"HELP ME YOU RETARD!"

"Right, kay... so I guess I'll crawl out on this branch. Hmmm actually, I don't think I trust it, it's kinda small and you're already bending it quiiiiite a bit."

"DUDE GET ME OUT OF HERE!"

"Shuddup, I'm working on it. Maybe if I drove the boat around, then you could just let go and land in it... but I can't tell if you'd land in the water or just hit the rocks. Hmmm let me think..."

"THINK FAST, DIPSHIT!"

Then none other than Arra Sails came crashing out of the forest.

"MIKA! I found a swinging rope over a 200-foot cliff on the south side! I'm gonna blackmail Larten into it, and I think Darren's down for it too. You in?"

"Hellzya!"

And Mika took off with Arra, leaving Arrow quite literally hanging. He yelled something extremely vile and continued to dangle.

Meanwhile,

"This is a bad idea this is is a bad idea this is a bad idea this is a bad idea THIS IS SUCH A BAD IDEA!" Darren howled, standing on the edge of the cliff, clutching the swinging rope.

The unfortunate part was he'd been standing there for the better part of 10 minutes, until Arra and Mika arrived and kicked his ass off the cliff.

The contents of Darren's brain though the duration of his flight could be likened to that of someone jumping to their death. Only he ended his flight by kissing a tree - with extreme force. He'd forgotten the part where he was supposed to let go when the rope met maximum extention over the water.

Larten's trip was a little more typical; he actually landed in the water, although letting out a mightily shrill scream all the way down. This was almost as humorous as his wet-rat-like ascent up the rope ladder.

However, he insane scream was nothing compared to Kurda's. And Kurda didn't even touch the rope, all he did was encounter a stick that looked like a snake.

Seba attempted the drop, but his arm became inadvertantly tangled in the rope and he became untangled directly above...the ground. 5 feet away from the rest of the gang. Seba was under the impression that he'd made a great accomplishment, and the others decided to let him keep thinking that.

Harkat was next up. He rode the rope at top speed, then flipped off and performed some incredible aerial maneuvers before plopping into the water, earning great cheers.

Personally, Mika rode the rope 7 or 8 times. Halfway down on his 7th or 8th drop, he remembered that he'd left Arrow hanging.

"Aww shit...'

###

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU JUST LEFT HIM THERE?" Darren screeched furiously as the gang crashed back across the island.

"I heard there was a rope swing with a 200-foot drop! My mind went blank! What was I supposed to do?"

"You should have helped your friend!" snapped Arra, smacking him upside the head. "Bros before hoes!"

"IT WAS YOU THAT DRAGGED ME AWAY!" Mika howled furiously.

"Really, Mika? Really? Where is your sense of loyalty?" Paris reprimanded.

Larten also had something to say.

"Control, confidence, and ch- wait...that is what I say to Darren when he is being incompetent."

"This...place...smells...like...ANIMALS!" Seba howled. "If our ancestors saw us traipsing through the wilderness like common dirty animals, they would stop reproducing while they still had their dignity!"

"Charna's Man-Boobs, Seba. I think you mean, 'If our ancestors saw us camped in front of a Panasonic TV watching _Keeping Up With The Kardashians_ for 5 hours they would stop reproducing while they still had their dignity!' WE'RE SUPPOSED TO TRAIPSE THROUGH THE WILDERNESS!"

"Only Kurda watches _Keeping Up With The Kardashians_!" Darren defended. "There's nothing wrong with a bit of friendly futuristic furnishes on an otherwise prehistoric life!"

Arra kicked him.

"Okay, we're here. If he hasn't moved, he should be dangling from that...tree -_gulp_-"

The gang peered over the ledge. Arrow was not dangling from the tree, but he was lying face-up in the water beneath. Apparently unconscious.

"See, I told him he'd land in the water!" said Mika with relief.

###

But he felt considerably less relieved 15 minutes later when the crew was back in the boats speeding back to shore with Arrow's unconcscious body had not yet regained consciousness. Paris had inspected him and revealed that he had suffered a blunt force trauma to the head, most likely from landing on a rock.

"NO SHIT, SHERLOCK! THERE'S BLOOD EVERY-FREAKIN-WHERE!" Arra screamed.

Mika had begun to feel just a little bit guilty at this point.

"Um...is he gonna...you know, survive?"

"If we drive fast, don't get lost, don't need gas, don't hit any animals, find a hospital, and don't have to wait hours in the emergency room, he has a shot."

Mika banged his head against the side of the canoe.

"I killed my bro I killed my bro I killed my bro I killed my bro I killed my bro..."

* * *

Mika, you dumbass.

Anyway, I think my Vampires said it all, so have a good night guys and please do leave me a little love note by clicking the periwinkle button :)

*Roxxy,


	10. Untold Stories of the ER

Wow guys. After I posted "Sober Thoughts Are Drunken Disasters", I started this...and finished it in the space of 2 hours while watching Deck The Halls.

It's not terribly long but I think it might be one of my all-time favourite chapters.

I don't own DSS or Grey's Anatomy, McDreamy or McSteamy (how I wish I did), Narnia, or Charna's Butt.

But I am an expert wheelchair racer. I used to borrow one from my Grandma and raise more than a little hell!

This chapter seems slightly rushed, but it certainly goes somewhere. You shall see!

That is all!

* * *

The Vampire Mountain Gang has been many places that do not classify as Vampire-friendly, as we all know. Deserted islands, frozen valleys of doom, gas station bathrooms, airports, to name a few.

And now they could check hospitals off the list of places to visit.

The journey there had been stressful. They'd sailed across the lake as fast as their fairly limited power allowed, and had to pause because Gillbert's cooler had once again been dropped into the water and "almost drowned". They'd argued for 10 minutes on whether to take the Essie or the RV, and they eventually decided to divide themselves between the 2. So Mika, Arra, Kurda, and Larten dragged the still-unconscious Arrow up to the top bunk and anchored him there with the canoe rope. Meanwhile Darren, Harkat, Gillbert, Paris and Seba crammed into the Essie. Darren hoped Arrow lived to hear about how Harkat bravely sacrificed the poor SUV's suspension and alignment to keep up with the RV ripping through the forest in front of them. Eventually they hit open road, and the RV reached speeds that would have sent them into orbit had they had lift-off. At one point, Seba became inadvertantly lodged in the sunroof (again) but this time he was left there because he made such an excellent siren that other vehicles actually pulled over. This gave Harkat a marvellous idea, and he picked up speed and pulled out and in front of the RV to provide an escort which got them there even faster. Once they hit town, Arra was too busy maneuvering the house on wheels to program the GPS, so that task fell to Mika, Kurda, and Larten. However, their directions did not synchronize with the ones on Darren's GPS, so they became seperated and Darren, Harkat, Paris, and Seba ended up waiting in the emergency room for 15 minutes before realizing the others were lost. Then they loaded back in the car and drove around town for another 15 minutes, honking and yelling until the RV was located.

When Arrow was finally handed off to the emergency staff, the rest of the Gang breathed a sigh of relief (except for Mika who was still banging his head against the wall -or the vending machine).

Then they proceeded to do what Vampires do the worst - waiting.

Kurda gushed about how this place was OMG jussttt like Grey's Anatomy!

Paris tried to chat up an old couple sitting in a corner who didn't seem to speak English. He tried several different languages but they continued to stare at him as though he had 7 heads.

Seba tried to steal a bag of frozen peas from a teenage boy who was using them as a cold compress for a fractured wrist, but this resulted in a fistfight and they were both escorted out. Seba snuck back in several minutes later, proudly holding the frozen peas. He then went on to chasing a group of children away from the play area so he could fully monopolize the building blocks.

Harkat gently shoved Mika away from the vending machine so he could confuse it into giving him unlimited free Jolly Ranchers and Mars Bars.

Darren joined a seven-year-old in watching _Narnia _on the waiting room TV.

Larten pursued a catalogue of wooly sweaters and pondered ordering one.

And Arra assumed the facial expression of someone on the dumbest date of her life.

When _Narnia_ ended, Darren asked a doctor if there was any news on the patient in question. There was not.

"I'm sooooo booored! I haven't seen Dr. McDreamy OR Dr. McSteamy!" Kurda whined.

"It hurts to think." Mika snuffled. He'd given up headbanging and taken Seba's frozen peas and snuck some bandage tape to fasten them securely to his head.

"Is Arrow dead?" Seba asked loudly, causing people to stare.

"Honestly, I have no idea." said Darren.

Harkat, Mika, and Kurda started to cry.

"I mean, umm, he's gonna be fine! WHEELCHAIR RACE!" Darren roared to distract them, bolting towards a cluster of abandoned wheelchairs outside the main hospital corridor.

It worked. In minutes, the hospital had become a racetrack, and Seba was winning with Mika and Darren in hot pursuit, dodging furious doctors and thrilled patients alike. Larten had accidentally crashed his chair into Arra and they'd both taken a tumble down some stairs. Paris swiped a hospital gown and used it as a checkered flag at the "finish line" which was a door marked "O.R." (No one knew what that meant). Kurda and Harkat had been slowest on the uptake, so they were left to commandeer a janitorial cart. Harkat pushed and Kurda "steered".

Seba hit the finish line first, closely followed by all the others. The door swung open as the beasts collided with it, and the Vampires quite suddenly found themselves in the middle of a brain surgery. Darren passed out in horror and shame, and Harkat ushered them all out, dragging Darren and apologizing profusely to the operating room staff.

They located Larten and Arra making out passionately in the stairwell, and were sneaking casually back to the waiting room, when they heard it:

"HELLLLPPPPP! DUDE GET ME OUTTA HERE! WHO ARE YOU? WHERE AM I? WHAT'S THAT? DARREN? MIKA? HARKAT? ANYONE? HELPPPP!"

"ARROW!" gasped everyone simultaneously.

They followed the voice and found themselves standing in front of a door with a small window, through which glanced Darren.

"Oh jeez." croaked the boy Vampire.

On the other side of the door was located a sort of trauma-treatment room, which contained Arrow and several doctors. This would have been perfectly normal, except Arrow was standing upright -with a table strapped to his back and a bandage wrapped around his skull. The doctors were dispersed around the room, babbling nervously about treatment plans and options, while Arrow clearly wasn't buying any of it. Darren actually felt bad for the guy, he'd obviously woken up without a clue where he was or how he'd gotten there, stood up like any normal person and found he was attached to a table. He now looked extremely upset and more scared than Darren had ever seen him. The doctors looked equally terrified and were preparing a tranquilizer needle by the looks of it.

"GO AWAY!" he hollered as the most ballsy doctor approached with the tranq needle extended.

"Sir, I would like you to please lie down so I can administer this antibiotic!" the doctor demanded.

"WHAT THE HELL IS AN ANTIBIOTIC?"

"That's not an antibiotic! Antibiotics are never purple!" Paris hissed. "He needs assistance!"

Darren looked back at his crew. They met his battle-ready gaze with looks of incredible courage and willingness to step into danger. Darren even got a lump in his throat, which he quickly managed to swallow. He'd never been so proud!

"3...2...1!" Paris screamed.

"CHARRRGGGEEE!" Mika bellowed.

"FOR NARNIA!" Darren yowled, getting lost in the moment.

The combined force of 8 creatures of the night buckled the doors instantly, revealing 3 doctors whose level of terror had just doubled, and Arrow who looked as if Christmas had just come early.

"GUYS!" he yelled with sheer glee as he turned to face them, causing the table legs to take out several lamps.

There was an instant 9-person tackle in the middle of the floor, table and all and showered by sparks from the wrecked lamps. The doctors ran for their lives.

"I'M SO SO SORRY BRO I THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA DIE I SWEAR TO CHARNA'S BUTT YOU'LL ALWAYS BE MY BESTIE!" Mika wailed, before realising it was actually Kurda he was hugging, rather than Arrow. "Ugh there's blonde hair on my arm now... Oh, there you are, Arrow. Buddy, I'm sorry."

"S'okay. Can you please not kneel on my arm?" Arrow replied muffledly as his face was compressed against the floor by Harkat and Kurda's combined hug.

"This is all very charming, but you guys just missed the announcement that they're sending security into this room." Arra drawled boredly.

"TEAM, RETREAT!" said Darren with great volume.

They made for the door.

"Wait!" Harkat wheezed. "Hospital procedure...states that...all patients...must leave...in a wheelchair!"

Arrow rolled his eyes, spied the nearest wheelchair, picked an old lady out of it, and sat down. Harkat made himself comfortable in the sidecar which had clearly been designed for a dog.

"TAKE ME WITH YOU!" the lady screeched. Larten grabbed her and set her in Arrow's lap. She licked her lips at him and wrapped her arms around his neck firmly.

"HOLD ON TIGHT!" Mika roared, grabbing the handles of the chair and sprinting down the hall pushing Arrow, Harkat, and the lady with the rest following close behind.

After one last warp-speed stampede through the hospital, the Gang burst out the front doors and fled across the parking lot and into the sunset.

###

Once everyone was settled down and Arrow was regaled with the thrilling tale of his ride to the hospital, everyone was in such an excellent mood that they each chipped in to buy the old lady a bus ticket to Texas, which made her so delighted she gave them each a kiss on the lips.

As she boarded her bus, the Vampires stood in a line to wave her off.

"Who the hell was she?" Larten asked Darren out of the corner of his mouth.

"No idea, she sort of just came along for the ride." Arrow replied.

"Stealing people from hospitals...is that not a felony?" Paris inquired.

"Felony? Is that like baloney? Baloney is eww." Kurda contributed.

"Well, we just pulled a double robbery." Darren grinned deviously.

"Are we...gonna go to...jail?" Harkat gasped in horror.

"Who the hell knows." Mika sighed peacefully.

"If we move in a pack and accept no strangers, we will survive any and all dangers." stated Seba carefully, darting his eyes suspiciously.

"He IS a poet and doesn't know it!" squealed Kurda.

"What he means is, we'll be fine as long as we're together." said Darren happily, putting his arm around Seba's shoulders, who twitched.

"You're all weird." Arra grumbled.

"I know you are, but what am I?" said Mika.

He and Arrow then exchanged a high-five so immense they requested painkillers.

That was when they heard,

"FREEZE! WE'VE GOT YOU SURROUNDED!"

Slowly the Vampires turned to see what the hell was up.

Kurda gasped,

"Darren! Are those the fashion police?"

"No, Kurda. Those are the actual police. And to answer Harkat's question; yes, we are going to jail."

* * *

HA

HA

HA

(i got the freak-out-in-trauma-room-while-tied-to-a-table thing from the show Untold Stories of the ER because I was watching it for 4 straight hours on my plane ride back from Alberta this summer. Yeah it's been up in my head for a good long while.)

Anyway, that might be all you get from this story till after Christmas ;)

jk

OR AM I ?

*Roxxy,


	11. This Must Be Rehab!

After posting the contest I decided to set an example with some legit TVF!

This chapter was actually a bitch to write but I'm happy with it! I deleted a whole chunk halfway through cuz I was doing a crap job of it, but I like how it turned out actually.

I don't own anything, not the boys and not the shows I mention. I also don't know shit about locks, half my description was googled and the other half was bullshitted!

Enjoy!

* * *

"Okay, guys. Think, think, think. We're Vampires, we can get out of this." Darren hissed out of the corner of his mouth.

"But they have guns!" Kurda whined.

Darren ignored him. "I'll jump on Mr. Crepsley, Arrow can take Harkat. We'll flit."

"They'd shoot us before we got up to flitting speed." Paris shot the idea down.

"Okay, knock them out with poison gas?" Darren tried.

"Too many of them. They'd shoot us before we could get all of them." Arra snapped.

"I SAID REMAIN SILENT!" bellowed the biggest cop, who looked a bit like Arrow, minus the tats.

"HOW DARE YOU ORDER ME AROUND, YOU PATHETIC LITTLE HUMAN!" Seba roared.

"Sir, if you do not shut the hell up, I will have to taser you!" the cop replied, reaching for his utility belt.

"I WILL DO NO SUCH THING!" Seba seethed. In response, he was smacked by 5000 volts of electricity and hit the ground.

"Wow, Seba. I didn't know you could do the worm!" Kurda gasped.

"I TOLD YOU TO REMAIN SILENT!" The cop roared, turning the taser on Kurda.

Darren plut his fingers in his ears at the blood-Kurdling shriek that followed, and then got the taser himself for moving his hands.

"You have no right to taser my student!" Larten spat with remarkably paternity, advancing on the cops. It was no suprise that he was then tased. This caused Arra to angrily attack, and she too met the taser.

Mika and Arrow attempted to solve the situation by converging on the cop with the taser, but two more cops whipped out their stun guns and took the Princes down.

Paris simply handcuffed himself and got in the back of the cop car cooperatively. Mika gave him the finger and called him a traitor, only his mouth was still numb so it didn't quite come out right.

But there was one who had moved below the cops' glares, one who slipped silently across the parking lot unnoticed, carrying only a cooler. The figure smoothly crept over the pavement all the way to the unattended cop car. And not a soul noticed as the aforementioned car slowly slipped around the block and out of sight.

###

The cops of Melanoma Beach Town would never forget this day. This had been the most stressful takedown in their entire careers combined. No amount of training could have prepared them for THIS:

The newly apprehended perpetrators were freshly tasered and mostly immobile, writhing creepily on the ground and spouting nonsense like "Abomination" and something called "Charna" accompained by the naming of various different body parts. When they refused -or were unable- to get up, the perps were lift-dragged to the cop cars which were parked in a rough semi-circle.

Arrow asked if the engines on the cars were turbo-piston fuel-injected, and he had his head slammed down on the hood for talking. Mika tried to rush to his aid, but was forcibly restrained by 5 officers. Seba was handcuffed to the side mirror of the car while his arresting officer filled out paperwork. Thinking he'd been forgotten, Seba bolted, not getting very far but he ended up startling the officers by dragging the car forward several feet.

When the perps had finally been wrestled into the cars, a whole new can of worms was opened. Kurda, Mika, and Arrow were in one car. Paris, Seba and Arra were in another. Larten and Darren were in the third.

"I don't like this song." Kurda whined, leaning forward to adjust the radio station with his teeth. No handcuffs would prevent him from having his way. But in fact it wasn't a song, it was the Chief Of Police's voice coming over the two-way radio delivering important instructions, which suddenly switched to a Ke$ha beat as Kurda turned the dial painstakingly.

Mika was too busy smashing his way through the side window using his head, feet, and elbows to notice his least favourite song was blaring. He kicked his way through the glass only to realize there was also a set or iron bars in place.

"Auuugghhh!" he whined angrily, trying and failing to headbutt the bars out of place.

"You're pulling them the wrong way. Here, let me." Arrow grunted, leaning over to contribute some brute strength.

Unfortunately, they were in the car with a very taser-happy cop.

###

"Why are Mika, Arrow, and Kurda dancing? This is no time for dancing!" Seba snapped as he observed from the car behind them.

"I don't think they're dancing. I think they're being subjected to taser abuse." said Paris worriedly. "That is an awful amount of electricity, and Kurda really can't afford to lose any more brain cells."

"What are 'brain sells'?" Seba demanded furiously. "I do not approve of the selling of live organs! Absolutely not! That is absolutely despicable! No one is selling MY brain!"

"Sir, you have the right to remain silent." Officer Gordo informed Seba.

"I most certainly do NOT!" Seba disagreed angrily. "I shall be as vocal as I wish and you cannot prevent me from doing so!"

Arra reached around and smacked Seba sharply upside the head with her elbow, causing him to bite down on his tongue and effectively silence himself.

"Take notes." Arra snapped at the cop.

Officer Gordo strongly wished his taser gun wasn't out of charges.

###

Meanwhile in the last of the cars, Darren was having a full-on panic attack like nothing he'd ever experienced, even in his wildest misadventures. He felt like every one of his organs were having individual seizures, and he was utilizing the Kurda method of inhaling and exhaling through a paper bag Larten had found under the seat...it smelled strongly of doughnuts, and this didn't help. Having no use of his hands caused him extra stress, and he was forced to hold the bag between his knees and lean forward at a painful angle. He was in such pitiful shape that Larten actually felt sympathetic.

"WERE ALL GOING TO JAIL WERE GOING TO JAIL WE JUST GOT ARRESTED AND WERE GOING TO JAIL WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO HOW ARE WE GONNA GET OUT WHAT IF WE GET RAPED CUZ I WATCH THE NEWS AND I KNOW WHAT HAPPENS AND WHAT IF WE GET GANG BEAT AND WHAT IF WE GET SEPARATED AND PUT IN CAGES WITH BIKER DUDES THAT KILL US AND EAT OUR FLESH OR WHAT IF THERE ARE CANNIBALS TOO AND I'VE HEARD THE FOOD IN THERE IS AWFUL TO THE POINT OF BEING INEDIBLE AND THAT MEANS ONE OF US IS GONNA MAKE A RUDE COMMENT AND THEN THEY'LL TAKE AWAY OUR PRIVELEGES AND OH JEEZ WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?"

After a few moments of staring down at his knees waiting for a reassuring reply from his mentor, Darren looked up to see Larten snoozing with his head resting against the window.

"MR CREPSLEY HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY SLEEP AT A TIME LIKE THIS YOU GOTTA HELP ME FIGURE THIS OUT 3 C'S 3 C'S 3 C'S WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO WHAT IF WE DIE ARE YOU IN SHOCK SOMETIMES PEOPLE GO TO SLEEP AS A SYMPTOM OF SHOCK IN REALLY STRESSFUL SITUATIONS DON'T WORRY I'LL HELP YOU I PROMISE I'LL GET US OUT OF THIS OMG WHAT DID I JUST DO I HEAPED ALL THE RESPONSIBILITY ON MYSELF LIKE I ALWAYS DO AHHHHH HOW ARE WE GONNA GET OUT OF THIS?"

Larten slumbered on. Officer Bernardus cranked up the radio (tuned to the same station as in the other car) so the infernal Ke$ha song blocked out Darren's spazz attack.

###

Once unloaded at the Cop Shop, the band of Vampires were escorted into a detention area by an army of guards with cattle prods.

"Umm...is that your Harry Potter wand?" Kurda asked nervously to the guard holding his arm. He got a shock for that.

"Why do you all carry around lightning things!" Kurda wailed miserably, rubbing the right side of his butt where he'd been zapped for the 3rd time that day. "That will NOT do anything good for my hair. Do you know how much STATIC is in those things? I could lend you some of my dryer sheets if you asked nicely!"

A fourth shock, and he fell into miserable silence.

After an hour of interrogation, paperwork, and drug testing, screaming, attempted escapes, knocking over chairs, and many uses of the cattle prods, the Vampires sat in a tired, slightly singed huddle and their mug shots were taken - at least they were supposed to be. Apparently this camera wasn't sophisticated enough to be blessed with Vampire Mode. So the staff chalked the errors up to something being wrong with the camera, scrapped the endeavour, and escorted Melanoma Beach Penitentary's newest residents to their cell.

###

SCREECH. SLAM. Click. Went the door.

"Think think think think think." Darren chanted desperately to himself. At least everyone was present and accounted for...he'd had enough mental prescence to do a head count, and last time he'd checked there were indeed 8 in the Vampire Mountain clan.

"It's kinda like a little hotel. Maybe there's room service? Uhhh ewww there's mold on the wall!" Kurda shuddered.

"This. Is an abomination of the HIGHEST form." Seba declared.

"It's a little bit fascinating to see how human law works, isn't it!" Paris stated. "If this was our world, we'd just get dropped on the Stakes."

"_WE _do the dropping, remember Paris? Princes?" Mika grumbled. "This is completely degrading. I'm going to sue this place."

"Shut up, I'm trying to figure out who's fault this is." Arra snapped.

"We wouldn't have left the campground if it wasn't for Arrow's boo-boo." Kurda supplied.

"Excuse me? Who pushed me off a cliff and caused my boo-boo?" Arrow glared at Mika.

"There wouldn't have been a cliff if Darren hadn't made us go hiking!" Mika spat.

"I didn't make you do anything!" Darren whined. "If Arra hadn't been such a Mika-hog, Arrow wouldn't have been depressed and there wouldn't have been an argument and no one would have gotten maimed!"

"Watch it, Shan." Arra snapped. "Who's idea was it to steal two patients from a hospital and turn them loose without doctor's consent?"

"Both the patients consented, that's all that matters! They're not even pressing charges! One of them's on a bus to Texas and the other's in here!" said Mika furiously.

"But technically we 'lost' the elderly female. Who had the idea to bring her?" Larten inquired.

"She kinda crawled into my lap." Arrow noted.

"There. It's the old lady's fault. Problem solved. NOW WE GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE!" Darren hollered, pounding the door.

"Darren, calm yourself. Look, this is a very rare species of mold! I have never encountered it before! I've heard it changes colour every 7 hours!" Paris exclaimed.

"You read too many blogs, Paris." grumbled Mika. "Now let's seriously injure someone so they send in guards and we can jump 'em, take their guns, and run like hell."

"You watch too many crime shows." Paris replied snippily.

"Guuuuyyss, look! We have running water!" Kurda gasped delightedly, turning the knob on the tiny sink so a sliver of water trickled out.

"Which is more than I can say for my RV since you used up the entire supply of water on your hour-shower last night." Arra growled unkindly.

"Nature takes forever to scrub off!" Kurda whined, trying to wedge his head under the faucet to get some water in his hair.

"I thought you liked nature because it has birds." Darren grouched, examining the lock on the door. "Or so you said 2 years ago at the spider wedding."

"Noooo, Darren. I like nature-PATTERNED clothes. Actual nature can, um...what does Arrow always say? SUCK IT."

"Strong language, Kurdy." Mika noted. "Do you have any idea how many germs are in that sink? The one your face is resting in?"

"You're silly, Mika. They always send in the little maids with their little trollies of clean stuff after everyone leaves and disinfect stuff so it's all squeaky clean for the next people!" Kurda chirped, face still wedged under the faucet which was slowly getting his hair wet. "Now someone pass me the complimentary shampoo!"

"Kurda..." said Larten as though speaking to a mentally challenged child. "This is not a hotel, or a resort, or even a motel. We. Are. In. JAIL..._cough_thankstoDarren_cough_...JAIL. Like where the serial killers go on the 'scary' shows Mika and Arrow watch."

"He wouldn't know, he always screams and runs out of the room before the opening credits." Arrow smirked.

"I knoooow what jail is! I watch Access Hollywood. It's the same thing as rehab!" Kurda replied knowingly. "Omg are we in rehab? I've always wanted to go to rehab! Paris Hilton was in rehab." Then his eyes became huge. "Paris...are you related to Paris Hilton?"

"Of course he's not related to her." Mika snorted. "He's only named after her."

"Yes, that's it." Paris rolled his eyes. "I'm 900...she's what, 15?"

Mika screwed up his face in a look of mental concentration.

"She's older than Justin Bieber I think... wasn't she dating him?"

"No, that's the Jonas Brothers." Arrow interrupted.

"Paris Hilton was dating the Jonas Brothers?" Darren gasped, momentarily distracted from his attempt to pick the lock with a paper clip he'd found in his pocket.

"No, Bieber was dating the Jonas Brothers." Arrow grinned.

"Which Jonas Brother?" Darren inquired.

"THERE IS MORE THAN ONE JONAS BROTHER?" Seba gasped suddenly."WHAT ELSE HAVE YOU NOT TOLD ME?"

"It doesn't matter which one, they're all dating Justin Bieber." Arrow continued seriously. "I watched a whole documentary about it."

"That is frightening on...almost 7 different levels." Paris muttered, counting on his fingers.

But no one had time to ask what the 7 levels were because Kurda came flying upwards out of the sink, taking the faucet with him. He flung into the group, wet hair and fists flying every which way.

"NOBODY TALKS ABOUT THE BIEBS LIKE THAT!" he shrieked with a vengeance, punching everyone he could reach.

"Kurda, Darren punches harder than you. _Darren._" Mika sighed, ignoring the blonde turmoil and sitting down on the closed toilet which was just out of range of the broken water faucet which was now dousing everything within a meter.

"Look at that, Kurda. Now you can shower without getting herpes all over your face from that awful sink." Darren said positively, patting the blonde on the shoulder.

Kurda turned and regarded Darren with owl-in-headlights eyes.

"Darren...you did NOT just say the H-word. WHY IS THE H-WORD IN THE REHAB SINK? HOW DID IT GET THERE? WHAT HAPPENED IN THIS ROOM? WHY ARE WE HERE? OH MY GODS I HAVE THE H-WORD! ON MY FACE! MY PERFECT BEAUTIFUL FACE! WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN TO ME? OHHH GAAAWWWDDD I THINK MY FACE IS FALLING OFF!"

At this point, Mika leaped forwards and tried to jam Kurda between the bars. He didn't quite fit, so the only other option was to stuff his face into the toilet for about a minute, as Arrow happily worked the flusher. Eventually, Kurda emerged bedraggled and looking extremely disgruntled, so Larten primly informed him that he had most likely contracted AIDs, syphilus, chlamydia, hepatitis, and maybe even gonorrhea, but there was no need to panic because as long as he didn't talk, the infections wouldn't spread. Larten kindly leant him his red cloak so that he did not add pneumonia to the list, and Kurda proceeded to sit in the corner and show everyone what a terribly unskilled mime he was.

"Could someone just kill me now? I would seriously appreciate it." Mika snapped.

Arra smacked him upside the head.

"You're not getting away that easy! We're all in this together, you little shit."

She had been considerably sour towards Mika since he ditched her for the reclaimation of Arrow. She obstinately shoved Darren off the tiny cot in the corner and took a seat upon it.

"We're ALLLLLLL in thiiiis together, once we know, that we are, we're all stars, and we see that we're alllll in thiiiiis togetheeeeeeeeer-"

"Kurda, we don't sing Highschool Musical songs in jail...it's not a good thing to do." Darren reprimanded gently.

"But I'm not allowed to sing them in the kitchen, or the bathoom, or the TV room, or my own room, or in the Essie, or in the RV, in the plane, or the bar, or the beach, on the ski lifts, in the hotels, or even when I ordered the special sing-along bonus disk! I'm running outta places!" the blonde whined sadly.

"Keep singing if you want, it'll do us all a favour when you get gangbeat by whatever serial killers are in here." sneered Mika.

"Well then maybe I just won't go out for recess, did you ever think of that?" Kurda sniffed, sticking his tongue out. "I'll stay in here were it's...um...cozy."

"This place is not cozy by any such stretch!" Seba spat. "It is old and cold and so very full of mold!"

"Kurda...we're in jail. We don't get recess. You're thinking of elementary school." Paris pointed out wisely.

"Actually, some do. They have 'yard time' where everyone goes outside and runs around. It's supposed to use up all the phsyco energy and clear out brain cells. If you watched Criminal Minds, you'd know that." Arrow notified, shoving Arra off the cot so he could plunk himself down upon it. Arra punched him, then went over to sit beside Larten who was leaning against the wall.

"Just for the record, this date sucks worse than hairy sweaty Vampaneze balls." she snapped, causing Larten to recoil.

"This lock is a Yuma-type with a 7-point bolt. Everyone start growing your fingernails, we could pick this baby in a few weeks." Paris announced.

"But we'd miss half a season of Jersey Shore by then!" Kurda snuffled.

"I'd rather rot in here than see another see another second of that show." Mika hissed.

"That show is more of an abomination than the biggest abomination I have ever seen." Seba squawked.

"I know what to do with the Vampaneze now!" Arrow gasped suddenly. "We can round them all up, pack them in Kurda's LV Suitcases and unleash them on the Jersey Shore!"

"But then they would be orange...if we had orange Vampaneze, my world would be fully turned upside down." Larten sighed ponderously.

"Crepsley, we're the nobility of the Vampire race, we drove a Cadillac and a motorhome to get here, we stole illicit hospital patients, and now we're in fucking jail. If your life was anymore upside down it'd be rightside-up." Mika snapped.

No one had an argument against that one. Or else they were too busy scraping mold off the wall to reply.

* * *

I hate writing Arra. Hate it so much. I feel like she's completely throwing off this fic. I wish I'd written written her out when I had the chance!

Review please, and check out the contest :)

Happy Almost-Anniversary, Little Me :D

RXP


	12. Definitley Rehab

I don't really know where to start... but this notation seems as good as any: basically 5 minutes ago I was sorting/procrastinating through my documents and re-labelling stuff, and I came across this... it seemed rather unfamilliar. My first thought was, silly me, of course I must have posted it. How could I be so dumb as to... OH SHIT.

To make a long story short, I wrote this sometime in June (May?) and completely forgot. Sooo umm... happy birthday? Call it an apology gift for my lack of updates? (To which I don't feel I owe an explanation for... you all know it works for me. It'll pick up when the school year begins and I actually need to procrastinate for stuff. Garunteed.)

I don't own much of anything, really. But I do own the fictional country Alpacastan, named after my job (THAT'S RIGHT, I GOT A JOB.) I feed and clean up after a herd of 45 Alpacas. They practically shit money.

ANYWHOO!

So now I offer you some jailed Vampires to make your day/night a little more interesting :)

* * *

A jail cell is a place where one can learn a lot about oneself. Those who become ensconsed in this concrete cube often begin to ponder the likes of; Why am I here? What went wrong? Do I deserve this?

Such deep thoughts shortly devolve into the likes of; What's that growing on the walls? Could it be a new species of mold? What's on TV right now? When's dinner? Could this mold be deadly when ingested? Is it worth the risk? Damn, when _IS _dinner?

In Kurda Smahlt's case, his self-questioning ranged from "Am I missing the Jersey Shore Season Finale?" to "OMG I'M MISSING THE JERSEY SHORE SEASON FINALE!"

When he came to this conclusion, he very nearly broke the whole crew out of jail by banging his head against the wall. However, Darren decided this wouldn't end well, so he gently pulled the blonde away from the wall and dumped him on the cot. After all, they didn't need to be tried for bludgeoning as well as Grand Theft Hospital, because no one would believe an injury on Kurda was self-inflicted.

"Imbeciles. You're all imbeciles." Arra murmured for the umpteenth time. She was sitting against the wall with her arms wrapped around her knees and her eyes glazed over.

"I _told_ you she's not mentally capable of hanging out with us." Arrow informed Mika petulantly. The boys were reuinuted once more, sitting side-by-side as they always did, arguing like an old married couple.

"Are you done?" Mika grumbled, rubbing his face tiredly.

"Not quite." said Arrow. "I have a concussion because of you, so no. I'm not quite done. There's a few things we need to discuss."

"Well, get it over with. My head hurts." Mika sighed.

"First of all, you smashed Kurda's PinkBerry without me. That was supposed to be the climax of our epic summer! I had it all planned out!" Arrow whined, pulling a piece of crumpled paper out of his pocket.

"My gods, you did." Mika was astonished. He examined the paper. It was a rough timeline, marked with primitive doodles and half-assed attempts at writing small descriptions.

"I even planned out how we're gonna start slowly trimming his hair while he's asleep so it starts getting short and choppy and he'll have no idea what's happening!" Arrow added, pointing to a spot at the middle of June.

"Creative." Mika admitted with half a smile.

"And, look at this one." Arrow continued, pointing at the second week of August. "The final solution for his makeup, we were gonna gather it all up and drop it on the stakes, remember? We've been planning it since December, when he got that Chanel set for Christmas!"

"I remember discussing that, yes." said Mika uncomfortably.

"Do you remember proposing it to Arra as though it was YOUR idea?" Arrow shot back, crumpling the paper back into his pocket. "Yeah, that's right. I was listening the whole time. Seriously. You're my bro! The eliminating of Kurda's makeup is something two men are meant to do together!"

"Alright, now you are just verging on obnoxious, Arrow. Quench your whining." Larten muttered, rubbing his face tiredly. "Arra, would you be a dear and give me a shoulder rub?"

"If I had a rock I'd throw it at you." she muttered coldly.

"Mika, what did you SEE in her?" Arrow wailed. "She's completely hostile!"

"We shoulda left you strapped to the table back in that hospital to be injected with purple shit." Mika grunted.

"I should have taken up that date offer from the gas station attendant five minutes before you lunatics showed up." Arra snapped.

"We shouldn't have gone hiking!" Darren moaned, rocking back and forth and pulling his hair.

"We should not have gone camping." Larten corrected.

"I shouldn't have left my emergency facial first aid kit at hoooome." Kurda whimpered.

"I should not have licked the wall." Seba noted. "I can no longer feel my tongue."

"Seebs, what have we told you about licking public property?" Darren gasped. "Stick out your tongue - oh gods. It's turning green."

"Green? _GREEN? _I must see this abominable microbe intrusion!" the old Vampire screeched, spinning in a circle, desperately trying to catch a glimpse of his tongue - until he fell down. He sat for a moment, trying to figure out what had occurred.

"Gods, Seba. WHY on earth would you lick the wall?" Mika interrogated.

"Do you see any other edible substance in this godsforsaken pit of death?" the old Vampire screeched.

"It's not a pit, it's more of a cube." Darren observed.

"And cubes are...square? They're square, right? Did I get it right?" Kurda whimpered, staring around at the blank walls.

"Yes, Kurda. Very good, you'd get a cookie if we had any. Cubes are indeed squares." Darren sighed, leaning his head against the wall."

"I BEG your pardon!" Paris flabbergasted. "A cube and a square are by NO means the same item! A cube is a three-dimensional projection of a square, while a square is simply a name for a rectangle that has four sides of equal length! My gods, are you not learned in basic geometry? WHY are YOU a PRINCE?"

"Hey now!" Darren defended himself. "I'm not the one who can't count his own fingers!" he pointed at Arrow.

"Numbers hurt my brain." the bald Prince groaned. "And I'M not the one who paid 19.99 for an iPhone App that simulates the sound of a womb to help you get to sleep!"

Paris's eyes went huge.

"That App is INCREDIBLY well-designed! I don't care if it gave me nightmares about being ingested by flesh-eating wombs from Mars. Besides, I only know one Prince who has a collection of KITTEN CALENDERS!"

"I have no idea what you're talking about." Mika snapped defensively.

"Did you REALLY think we didn't know about your secret fetish?" Paris chuckled. "Always having a complete panic attack whenever a large square envelope arrives... You have at least 2 decades worth hiding all over your room!"

"To think the fate of our entire race rests in the hands of you four..." Arra sneered, glancing around at Darren, Paris, Mika, and Arrow.

"Us, and Vancha." Mika contributed.

"Right, the one that thinks bugs work as toothbrushes." she rolled her eyes.

"I tried to give him a makeover one time, but I passed out from the smell before I could get close enough to figure out what his natural hair colour is..." Kurda mumbled. "He needs some serious aroma therapy."

"Charna's Guts, we are rather screwed, Prince-wise." Arrow noted casually.

"We are rather screwed in general." Larten grumbled. "Has anyone not noticed we are in jail?"

"WE ARE?" Kurda shrieked, looking around sharply. "Ohh, wait... I already knew that." he sighed dissapointedly. "Maybe this is just temporary, maybe we get to go to rehab soon? Rehab looks fun on TV. Yea, that's it. This room is just where we get it out of our systems. Once we're clean, they'll come get us and take us to rehab and everything will smell good and be comfy." Kurda told himself firmly.

"Get _what_ out of our systems, exactly?" Darren inquired suspiciously.

"Iunno. That's what they say on Access Hollywood." Kurda shrugged, curling into a fetal position.

"I don't know about him, but all I have in my system is a fat wad of NOTHING." Mika grouched. "We haven't eaten since that ridiculous trail mix."

"Don't hate on the trail mix!" Paris wailed.

"Wait. Do you have any with you?" Mika asked hopefully.

"No."

"In that case, I hate trail mix." Mika resumed his deadpan stare.

"We can feast on the bounty yielded by the walls around us." Seba suggested. "Once feeling returns to your mouth, there is a most unexpected aftertaste. The nutritional content may be slim, but it will hold us until we are forced to resort to cannibalism."

"This is a county jail in North America, not a terrorist detention center in Alpacastan. They'll feed us." Darren replied uncomfortably. "Maybe..."

* * *

*Sigh* I don't think that was worth the wait at all xD But the next one has been started, so don't throw toooo many sharp things at my face. I also started an SNS chapter, so we cool? xD

Few things:

1 - A periodical reminder to check out my FB page and Twitter (links on profile).

2 - Do you like Harry Potter? I like Harry Potter. StayBeautiful1 also likes Harry Potter. In fact, we like it so much WE'RE WRITING A FIC ABOUT IT. *BIG THUMBS UP* there's only one chap so far (2nd in progress) but if you've read and enjoyed Snow & Sparks AND/OR One Freakish Love, YOU WILL LOVE OUR FIC! It's called Innocent, check it out on SB1's profile!

3 - I'm just... sorry for being so absent around here this summer :/ but around here there's only a few months that aren't buried in snow so I've A) been taking advantage of having a life while it lasts. B) horse shows. 'nuff said. Sometimes I feel like I live in a trailer. C) the standard writer's block and general lack of drive.

BUT THERE IS HOPE. On September 6th I return for my 5th year of highschool (no, I didn't fail. It's optional here. Only mommy decided it wasn't optional for me, so I'm basically returning to highschool at gunpoint. Anyway, you know how I am. The more assignments pile up, the more I immerse myself in FF, and the updates roll out. That's what I'm planning on :)

Soyeah.

Review, just because you can. Think of all the poor people who don't have computers. Review for them!

RXP


	13. The Hungry Games

Oh you guys... I can't even. Let's not focus on the pathetic fact that the first TVF update of the year came in April, and instead just celebrate the fact that it's **back. **

Anyone who has me on author alert knows I've been busy cranking out a story for the Thor fandom, in anticipation of the upcoming Avengers movie so that's basically taken control of my obsessive tendencies like _yeah._ #sorrynotsorryy

As a bonus prize to make up for my tardiness, I have included a fun little Hunger Games reference because I am aware that everyone and their mother (literally) is obsessed with the series and I just joined their ranks after watching the movie last week. Yeah, I'm officially one of _those _people, who goes movie _then_ books. Shudder. Side note: I'm Team Cato and I just started Catching Fire.

(And if you're not familiar with THG then brace yourself for hearing things that won't make sense.)

Finally; it's about time to start wrapping this fic up, it's spent 2 years going nowhere. Not that I haven't had a great time with it, but I truly hope this chapter is one of the last so I can move onto other things.

Accept my apologies, or don't - idgaf, and ENJOY :)

* * *

It was an exciting day for the Little Person. Harkat now had three vehicles in his possession. The Essie, the RV, and the cop car he'd snuck while the unassuming cops were busy tasering his friends. After watching the aforementioned friends get carted away in police cruisers, the Little Person had hopped behind the wheel to pursue them like a good friend, but halfway out of the parking lot, he'd stopped (causing a traffic jam) and thought to himself... maybe a bit of time in the slammer wouldn't be so very terrible for them. Maybe it would be just what they needed to... y'know, even out a bit. So Harkat made a flight for freedom that took him immediately to the ultra-gourmet ice cream store - ooh, was that Darren's credit card in Gillbert's cooler, stashed there to prevent theft, because who the hell would steal from a fish? It most certainly was. Extra-extra-EXTRA large waffle cone, 8 scoops, dipped in chocolate with whipped cream and three cherries on top… _nom! _But he was feeling generous, so he gave Gillbert the cherries.

Next stop was the surfing goods store across the road, where the Little Person immediately gravitated towards the mannequin in the window featuring the absolute latest and greatest limited edition Oakley shades… for a bargain price of just 400$! And, GASP, they had LIME GREEN ONES! Now, the 18$ ice cream cone had been a bit of a splurge, so he decided to ask Darren's permission. He had a sneaky feeling that cell phones were confiscated once one was taken away by law enforcement, but that was probably just a myth.

_TO: Darren_

_FROM: Harkat_

_MESSAGE: hey buddy… i lost my sunglasses and u know how sensitive my eyes are and the only thing that can possibly protect them is this super high quality pair i found for only 399.99! now i just happen to have ur bank card by chance, and i know the passcode so if u think i should NOT purchase these fantastic shades, text me back in the next 60 seconds. k? k. _

"…There." Harkat muttered in satisfaction, pocketing his phone and sauntering up to the cash with his new set of shades. Once he was back in the gloriously clean and gadget-ful cop cruiser, there was still no message from Darren. So either he was alright with Harkat's expenditure, or he was phoneless in a dirty cell somewhere. Either or.

Three happy meals, a pair of flip-flops, a Paris-style Hawaiian shirt, and mini surf board later, Harkat ultimately decided his friends had been jailed long enough and had _probably _learned their lesson, thus he began to formulate a plan to break them out. Because he'd be able to hold this over their heads for the rest of his life! The thought was exciting.

With the help of the GPS, he drove himself over to the Melanoma Beach Town Prison, delighting in how quickly this car went from 0 to 100, compared to the Essie and the RV. Once he arrived at the barb-wired-bordered compound, he noticed a potential problem ahead. There was a booth beside a bar that went across the road, presumably where one presented their identity upon arrival. He would have to play it cool - even more so than usual. Some genius cop had apparently left his I.D. in the glove box - Sergeant Bertram F. Gillbert.

_"GILLBERT!" _Harkat giggled in delight at the coincidence. "This guy is… named after… you!" However, he came to the conclusion that dropping the I.D. card into the cooler so the fish could see for himself had not necessarily been the best idea. Oh well, it was still readable… just very wet and floppy. He proceeded.

"Good day… my fine sirs!" Harkat pulled up beside the booth, wearing his Oakleys, new Hawaiian shirt, police hat, and the gun belt he'd found in the back.

"And you are…?" one of the booth officials inquired with an expression of puzzlement.

"Sergeant Bertram F. Gillbert… of course!" Harkat replied indignantly, flashing the card - while covering the photo I.D. with his thumb.

"Hey Gilbs." said the other official happily. "Why are you in on your day off?"

"Paperwork?" Harkat replied cautiously.

"Ohh… that's code for having trouble with the wife again, right?" Booth Guy #2 answered knowingly.

"You… got it." Harkat grumbled.

"What happened to your skin?" Booth Guy #1 asked suspiciously.

"Rash. Allergy season." Harkat muttered, pulling his shirt higher up his neck.

"And have you always been that short?"

"I had a… hip replacement."

"Come to think of it, you really don't look like Sergeant Gillbert at all."

"I got new… sunglasses."

"Let me see your I.D. again?"

"Leave Mr. Gillbert alone, he's having a rough day! _Paperwork _and all…" Booth Guy #2 insisted, elbowing his co-worker.

"Oh, alright." Booth Guy #1 grumbled, raising the bar. Harkat sped through without a backwards glance. It utterly astounded him that humans could potentially be even dumber than Vampires. If only Little People ran the world...

###

"Suppertime, gangbangers!" called a particularly corpulent security staff member as he shoved a wide plate under the door, featuring a rather frightening-looking and unidentifiable meal.

"FOOOOOOOOOOOO- oh gods, never mind." Mika grunted as he sprinted hungrily towards the plate and stopped abruptly several feet back. "What the hell is that, raw roadkill with a side of frog puke?"

"Mika, don't be silly. It is clearly… actually this _does _look remarkably like roadkill. Possum, to be exact." Paris deducted. "And as for the vegetable… I haven't the foggiest."

"Uhm, sir? Maybe someone forgot to write it down, but there's 8 of us in here and that's just one plate, and some of these guys are pretty big and I don't think anybody in this room knows how to share, I mean they haven't even been to kindergarden, and FOR GOD'S SAKE SOMEONE HELP US!" Darren hyperventilated, clawing desperately at the door until Larten hauled him away to the corner for time-out.

"When did he take our order?" Kurda panicked. "NO ONE TOLD ME ABOUT THIS!" the blonde then proceeded to fling his body against the door. "Excuse me, Mr. Food Guy, if you're still out there, I'd like a boat of California roll sushi, and a garden salad with balsamic dressing and a strawberry daiquiri, please. PLEASE? HELLO?"

"Pretty sure they're long gone, Kurdy." Arrow sighed, sniffing apprehensively at the plate.

"In search of earplugs." Mika snickered.

"Or Cyanide for the next meal." Arrow shot back. Instinctively, the two exchanged a hi-five before remembering they hadn't officially made up yet. They then proceeded to glance awkwardly down at their feet.

"Oh _please._" Arra snarked rather unexpectedly. "Will you two brutes just hug it out already? You _obviously _love each other in ways we can't understand. You can glare at me and clear your throats and cross your arms all you want, but you can't hide the fact that you're completely incomplete without each other. Arrow, I'm sorry you think I tried to steal your best friend. Mika, I'm sorry you don't have the mental capability to deal with multiple relationships at the same time. But believe me, the second we're out of here I don't give two Charna's kidney stones if I never see any of you again-"

Larten listened to her with an expression of abhorrence.

"Darren, I fear this 'date' will not end well for me. Where do you suppose I went wrong?" he inquired to his subdued student.

"I'm guessing somewhere between being trapped in an RV for a day and ending up in jail. Anything within that window may have cause her opinion of you to decline." Darren replied in an undertone.

"- so kiss and make up, or face the rest of your lonely existence because you both know perfectly well that you will never _ever _again find another person on this planet who even comes close to understanding you. In fact I don't know how you got so lucky this time around." Arra finished flatly.

Mika and Arrow's manly mental gears were turning visibly. Slowly but surely, they processed Arra's words while wearing identical brb-I'm-pondering-this expressions. Finally, Arrow looked up with eyes wide as cafeteria trays.

"Mika…you know what I just realized?" he gasped, looking uncharacteristically awestruck.

"What?" the darker prince replied, almost hopefully.

"If I didn't have you… I'd be… alone." Arrow stammered as though he'd just discovered the meaning of the universe. Mika assumed an identical expression.

"What are we? Bat shit?" Darren demanded indignantly.

"Oh gods… If you'd died… I'd have nobody to watch Shark Week with." Mika added as though he hadn't heard Darren.

"And if you'd ran away with Arra, I would have had nobody to pass me tools when I fix my truck!"

"And I wouldn't have backup when I make flame clouds with Kurda's hairspray!"

"And I'd have to finish the beef jerky all by myself!"

Now the two princes were staring at each other as though they'd just met, and couldn't be more delighted about it.

"I LOVE YOU, MAN!" they burst out simultaneously as though they'd planned it. They then proceeded to launch themselves violently at each other and engage in manly bonding activities such as knuckle-noogies, punch-hugs, head-butts, and back-slaps. The rest of the group looked on in wonderment, awe, pity, and slight disgust.

"Just for the record, I never invited him to 'run off' with me." Arra grumbled.

"He likely would have stowed away in your RV fridge and you would have been none the wiser till you returned home." Larten replied primly.

"Can you blame him? Vampire Mountain's oxygen supply is probably turning toxic what with all your uptight jabbering. Im surprised you're all still alive, if we're being honest. I don't even know how the _fungus _survives that atmosphere." Arra snapped back.

There was a brief silence (save for Mika and Arrow's oblivious man-hugging) and then Paris chimed in with,

"OHH SNAP!"

"Oh no she did-nnnnt!" Kurda added with a sassy fingersnap.

"Okaay guys, leave Mr. Crepsley alone. I'm sure you've all had your own terrible dates before, let's not judge." Darren defended his mentor loyally.

"Silence, Darren. I neither need nor want your pity." Larten shot back, face reddening. Darren's lip trembled.

"I wasn't _judging _him, I was merely admiring Arra's verbal assault." Paris replied politely.

"We have bigger problems here." Darren changed the subject swiftly. "What are we going to do about-"

"That?" Arra said with disgust, pointing at Seba who was zealously guarding the corner nearest the sink, where a thick layer of the apparently edible fungus was growing. The elder Vampire was muttering suspiciously to himself, words like 'cannibal' were distinctly audible.

"I was referring to our _situation _in general." said Darren. "But yeah, that _is _a problem…"

"YOU SHALL NOT THIEVE MY SUSTINENCE!" Seba squawked loudly.

"Don't worry, Seebs. I'd eat Kurda first." Mika grunted distastefully, rejoining the group along with Arrow. "And you know how much I hate low-calorie snacks."

"Aww, thanks Mika!" Kurda blushed, as though being called a low-calorie snack was the grandest compliment one could hope to receive.

"No problem, Twiglet." Mika snickered, patting Kurda on the back with the intention to send him crashing face-first into the wall. Which indeed happened.

"Ohhh gaaawd my tongue touched the greeny-mouldy-mossy-yucky-yuck! Uhhgghh I can feel it _shrivellin-_ Nuh I can feb aaahthphb! Ith nuuuuhhh! ! Geh ith ooooooouuu!"

"I lost him after _shrivelling._" Arrow noted unconcernedly as they observed Kurda rocking back and forth trying to yank his infected tongue from his mouth.

"He said, _Now I can't feel anything, It's numb, Aaaahhhuuhhhahhuh, get it out._" Paris translated smoothly. "Excuse me, Kurda dear… you do realize our tongues are supposed to stay _inside _our mouths, right?"

"Let's think about this. Wold it really be such a bad thing if we let him rip it out!" Mika protested. "You know what that would mean? No more spontaneous karaoke!"

"Excellent point, but then we'd be stuck with his permanent princess pout. I personally find his pouty face much more grating than the karaoke. One can always wear earplugs, but walking around blindfolded isn't good." Arrow countered calmly.

"We could put a bag over his head." Mika replied without missing a beat.

Arrow snickered in delight at the presumable mental image. Meanwhile, Darren endeavoured to forcibly restrain the thrashing Kurda before he could permanently damage his oral cavity.

"Little…help…here…" Darren grunted as he tackled Kurda to the floor and sat on his back while attempting to hold his arms away from his face. Although Kurda is not muscularly substantial, he is infamously persistent and was proving a little too much for Darren to handle. And the situation was not exactly helped when Seba involved himself:

"Has the golden-haired ignoramus suddenly become possessed by demons? What means his incessant seizing?"

"His system agree with your beloved wall-fungus apparently." Darren grouched while wrestling Kurda's skinny arms.

"WHAT IS THIS BLASPHEMY? THE BLOND ABOMINATION HATH DARED TO INGEST MINE OWN VERTICAL-SURFACE-DWELLING VEGETATION? HE SHALL SUFFER FOR HIS CRIMES!" the elderly quartermaster roared, launching himself on Kurda. Unfortunately, since Darren was already there, this caused a sandwich effect.

"Seba…get off…your bones…are very…sharp." Darren croaked.

"PREPARE TO MEET THE GODS, DEMON!" Seba screeched, reaching around Darren and attempting to bash Kurda's skull into the concrete floor.

"Ith waddn eben guu! Yu cah hah ith baaah!" Kurda whimpered.

"It was't even good. You can have it back." Paris translated again.

"OH YOU CAN BE SURE I WILL TAKE BACK WHAT IS RIGHTFULLY MINE!" Seba roared, reaching into Kurda's gaping jaws. "YOU ARE NOT WORTHY OF-ARRRGHH YOU DARE SHARPEN YOUR SORRY EXCUSE FOR FANGS ON MY HAND FLESH? I ASSURE YOU YOUR DEMISE WILL BE SLOW AND PAINFUL!"

"Yeeah! You bite him, Kurdy! Show him who wears the pants." Arra goaded from the sidelines.

"Did you just cheer _for_ Kurda?" Mika inquired with distaste. "I knew it wouldn't work out between us."

"So you are implying that there _was _something there?" Larten moaned.

"Come on, Crepsley." Mika assumed a scandalized expression. "Would _I _do that to you? _Really?_"

Larten thought for a moment… "Yes!"

Mika giggled. Arra rolled her eyes.

Meanwhile, Arrow munched on the abandoned lunch plate.

"Guys, it's actually edible!" he reported through a mouthful of whatever.

"You also classify beef jerky as edible, so forgive me if I do not decide based upon _your _standards, Arrow. Besides, it is not the edibility of the substance that concerns me, rather the _digestibility._"

"I'll keep ya posted." Arrow replied after a burp.

"Since when are you such a bitchy- I mean, _picky _eater?" Mika inquired snidely, sampling a bit off the plate. "Remember the days when we ate raw animals whole and _liked _it? What happened to hardcore Vampirism, man?"

"Nothing _happened _to it. I have merely become more educated on modern cuisine." Larten defended himself. "My standards have been raised to better things, unlike _some_."

"Yeah okay, dude. Keep tellin' yourself that as you starve to death in here." Mika shrugged.

"We're starving to death?" Kurda whimpered, having been freed from Seba's clutches by Darren and Paris's combined efforts. (Seba was currently face-down on the floor being restrained in a very efficient armlock by Darren, who was sitting on his back wearing a wildly triumphant expression as though he'd never expected it to succeed in his wildest dreams.)

"I REFUSE TO DIE DISHONOURABLY IN THIS CAVE OF DESOLATION! IF THE TIME TO RESORT TO CANNIBALISM IS NEARING, SO BE IT!" (Darren's armlock was having no effect whatsoever on Seba's ability to voice his opinion.)

"I don't wanna die in the cave of demonstration!" Kurda whimpered, sinking to the floor and hugging himself. "I don't wanna eat cannon balls either! That'd chip my perfect teeth and then I wouldn't have my flawless celeb smile to get me out of pickles!"

A brief silence fell, in which the gang of inmates attempted to figure out what the hell that sentence meant. No one was successful.

"You know there will come a time where we have to put him out of his misery, right?" Mika spoke up.

"We'll all be out of our misery if we don't get food soon." Darren whimpered. "Guys, I'm sure prison food isn't _that _awf- _ARROW! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?"_

"Oops." Arrow mumbled, casually setting down the half-cleared plate on the floor and stepping away.

"We could have rationed that! Who knows when we're gonna get fed again?" Darren lamented, scooping up the plate. "Just for that, you don't get _any _of the next meal."

"How's that fair?" the larger Prince rumbled threateningly. "It's every man for himself in here! You were all pansypusses, henceforth I got the food."

"That's not the proper use of henceforth but I get what you're saying." Paris contributed. "Charna's Guts, I did not think prison would be like the Hunger Games."

"HUNGER IS NOT A GAME!" Mika and Arrow retorted.

"If this is the Hunger Games, I'm Glimmer!" Kurda added, momentarily forgetting his state of panic.

"Yeah, you _would _get eaten alive by bugs." Mika affirmed. "I'd be Cato."

"If anyone's anyone, _I'M_ Cato!" Arrow protested. "You can be Thresh."

"Whatever. He's more ripped anyway." Mika shrugged.

"Mr. Crepsley and Arra are Peeniss." Kurda contributed innocently.

"PARDON ME?" Larten did a double-take combined with a jaw-drop. Arra raised a fist.

"You knooow, Peeta and Katniss!" Kurda cooed.

"It's better than the alternative, Katpee." Paris admitted.

"That is debatable." Larten mumbled darkly.

"But you two make a great Peeniss!" Kurda blurted out, completely oblivious. "…GUYS, STOP LAUGHING AT ME!"

"If Arra's Katniss and Mr. Crepsley's Peeta, then that makes Mika more like Gale." Darren snickered deviously.

"Moron, Gale wasn't even in the Hunger G- oh. I see what you're saying." Mika growled. "Fuck you, Shan."

"Well then… with Seba as Haymitch and myself as Cinna, I think that just about covers it." Paris continued gruffly in an effort to change the subject.

"Mmm, Cinna. Like Cinnabon." Kurda licked his lips. "But _oh, _the _calories_…"

"What about me?" Darren yelped.

"You're Rue." Arrow decided carelessly.

"Yeah, definitely Rue." Mika assented.

"Pffft, as if. He's not cute enough to be Rue. Harkat's Rue." Kurda announced.

"Is that cool, Harkie?" asked Darren, looking around. "Harkat? Buddy? Where is he?"

"Seba, you didn't help yourself to a little snack while we weren't looking, did ya?" Mika demanded roughly, advancing on the newly dubbed "Haymitch" who was now leaning lazily against the wall in a manner most like his designated character.

"OHMIGODS SEBA NO, YOU SPIT HIM OUT RIGHT NOW!" Kurda shrieked, flailing his fists in the direction of the elderly Vampire.

"Guys, wait." Darren gulped nervously. "Does anyone remember him coming in with us?"

Headshakes all around.

"Okay, well he's small, he still might be in here somewhere." the boy Prince continued hopelessly, frantically shoving vampires out of the way to search every corner in the tiny cube. "Everyone, think back to who you rode with in the cop cars. Was anyone with him?"

There was a long silence, save only for the steady dripping from the ruined sink.

It was finally broken by Larten.

"I do not know which is worse, the fact that the Little Person was able to evade capture by the human authorities, or the fact that we failed to realize this fact until now."

"But Darren did a headcount like he always does when he thinks he's in control." Mika interrupted.

"Arra's here, dumbass. There still would have been 8 of us and he was too pshyco'd-out to notice."

"Thank you for that, Arrow." Darren sighed.

"Our lil' Harkie's out in the big cruel cold nasty icky germs yucky world all by himself?" Kurda sniffled.

"Yeah, with our money and vehicles. The poor thing, how will he ever survive without us?" Mika grunted.

"This is wonderful news!" Paris burst out with a triumphant gingersnap. "If I know Harkat Mulds, that Little Person will use every ounce of his resourcefulness and manipulative skills to free us from this abomination of a situation. Yes, I did just use the A-word and I request that you kindly overlook it."

Darren felt like a huge weight had been lifted from his shoulders (although he still wanted to kill himself for not noticing his best friend's absence till now). They were as good as saved. Harkat was probably formulating a great breakout plan as they spoke. Now it was only a matter of time before they were waltzing out of this godforsaken cube and back to freedom.

"So, Harkat's coming to get us?" Kurda asked with a shaky sigh of relief.

"Yes." Arrow confirmed.

"So we can go get real food?"

"Yes."

"Sushi?"

"Absolutely not, we're hitting the first McDonalds in sight." Mika and Arrow exchanged a hi-five at this. Kurda looked dejected.

"I'm sure you could make your own sushi out of McDonald's food." Paris consoled. "Just wrap a piece of lettuce around a nugget, and you're all set!"

Kurda narrowed his eyes. "Paris, do you even know what a _calorie _is?"

But Paris never got to answer that.

Because at that very moment, the sound of heavy footsteps echoed up the hall, followed by a metallic creak as the door slid open and the familiar voice of the on-duty police sergeant:

"Got you boys a roommate! Caught this kid impersonating an officer AND trying to steal donuts from the lounge! Hope you felons have a great time together. And by the way, that skin condition may or may not be contagious and/or deadly, so I'd keep your distance. Oh, and he bites. See you at community shower time in 2 hours."

A small figure was deposited into the cell and uncured, then the barred door swung shut once more.

"Hey…guys!" Harkat greeted.

* * *

I was going to make this much longer, but then I split it because of reasons. Chapter 15 has been well started.

oh, guys - if anyone here is on Tumblr, PLEASE follow me! I need my beloved DSS peeps up there with me!

www . roxy-rockstar . tumblr . com

come find me!

Well, long Easter Weekend is beginning so I hope to get shit done - but you know me, no promises. I hope to see you VERY soon though. I've been bitten by the DSS bug once again so Imma be leeching my way back in here so we can party it up for the release of the last SLC book next month :D

WUV YOUZ.

RXP


	14. A Hero Emerges

So, remember that TVF Goes To College thing I started and promised I was going to finish because I had to hand it in for a school project? Umm, just kidding. Yeah, I got lazy (and a little busy, but mostly lazy) so I decided to apply the same principle of TVF-to-homework conversion to something that was pre-written. And I selected Camp Vamp, because it worked the best and it would push me to write the final chapters.

So here's the official second-last chapter.

This is probably the shittiest excuse for TVF I've ever tried to pass off.

Umm, enjoy. Or don't, at this point I'm having a hard time finding a fuck to give.

* * *

"My instincts are telling me to snap you in half for screwing up your one chance to break us out, but I want you to know I'm doing everything in my power to ignore them." Mika huffed while maintaining a zen-face.

"Good to see ya, little bro." Arrow sighed, hugging the Little Person.

"Seriously?" Arra snapped. "Harkat, I thought you were the _one _member of this pack of assbrains with a shred of common sense."

"WHY RUE, WHY?" Kurda wailed, sinking to the floor (yes, he does that a lot) and beating his fists dramatically.

"Kurda… it's me… Harkat." the grey-skinned one consoled the thrashing blonde. "Jail has not… been kind… to him." he added.

"His brain's fine." Arrow explained. "Well, not _fine, _I guess, but no more fucked than any other day. We were picking Hunger Games characters earlier. You're Rue."

"So _that's _how… you've been… keeping busy. Better than… eating each other… I suppose."

"Yup." Arrow agreed proudly. "We're starting to make real progress."

"And I _still _don't have a character." Darren reminded pissily.

"You would be the child that dies first." Larten shrugged.

"Nah, he'd be President Snow. Can you say _control freeeeak_?" Arra teased.

"You're cruel." Darren sniffed, sitting down and crossing his arms.

"Think about it! You think you're like the king shit of everything, but really we all just despise your feeble attempts at control." Mika snickered evilly.

"Everyone… be kind!" Harkat interjected. "We all know… Darren is… Primrose."

"_Thanks_, Harkie. Really, I don't know how to cope with the amount of affection I'm receiving right now." the Vampire apprentice sighed in defeat, sitting down on the closed toilet seat.

"You know… we love you… Darren. We don't need… to shower you… with meaningless…. praise. Now stop… being a… self-deprecating… drama queen… it is getting… extremely… old." Harkat replied with something of a snort.

Darren, who had never before experienced such a low-balled shot, from Harkat no less, looked mightily offended. Meanwhile, everyone else applauded Harkat's bold diss, for they'd been thinking along those lines but unable to put it into words.

"But in all seriousness, who votes we put our minds together and actually get out of here?" Larten interjected.

"Usually when we out our minds together, brains end up splattered on walls." Arrow shrugged.

"It's true. People get hurt when we try to act like a cohesive unit." Paris admitted.

"Gods, you guys are a wreck. I don't know how any of you are still alive." Arra grunted, sitting down and crossing her arms.

"We are not usually this destructive! I swear!" Larten promised, sitting down beside her. Apparently he still had hopes that his romantic getaway could be salvaged. The poor man.

"What are you talking about? Of course we are." Arrow snorted in befuddlement. "In fact, usually we're way worse."

"GUUUUUUYS!" Kurda shrieked suddenly, shattering the eardrums of all. "I just did mathematical calculifications, and we have like less than 2 hours to get out of here!"

"And why is that?" Darren sighed.

"Remember what the prison dude said? We have to go for _shower time! _Do you know what happens to beautiful people like me in public showers? DO YOU?"

"Does it rhyme with _grape_?" Arrow snickered.

"_No, _Arrow. I'm not gonna wear a cape. Gosh you're dumb."

Arrow facepalmed. Kurda continued:

"THERE'S GONNA BE GERMS EVERYWHERE. I'M GONNA CONTRACT HEPATITI AND Q, AND CANCER AND MELANOMAS AND GHONORREA AND LICE AND MAYBE EVEN MALE PATTERN BALDNESS!"

"I'm fairly certain that a good number of those aren't contagious, but he has a point. It would be ideal if we made our escape prior to shower time." Paris contributed.

"What if we use shower time to our advantage?" Darren suggested.

"Daaaaarrreenn! How could Hepatitis Q possibly be an advantage to anyone?" Kurda caterwauled.

"It couldn't, seeing as it doesn't exist. What I'm saying is, to get to the showers, we'd have to leave this cell, am I right?"

"Yes, yes you are!" Larten grinned, looking more enthusiastic than anyone had seen him this entire trip.

"And outside of this cell, there is what?"

"…Donuts?" Harkat suggested hopefully.

"That, and what else?"

"Assholes with tasers." Mika grumbled.

"Think bigger… c'mon guys, really? Nothing? …Okay, fine. There are DOORS. That lead to OUTSIDE!"

"I don't think they're going to let us wander out the doors, Darren. Let's be serious here." said Arrow.

'You don't say?" Darren rolled his eyes. "No, _this _is what we'll do…"

"Brace yourselves, we've got a Darren Shan Plan incoming." Mika commented.

Darren reached out and smacked him on the arm, clearly emboldened by whatever he was brewing in his little mind.

"So, when they lead us out, we go quietly-"

"Laaame." Arrow declared. Darren smacked him too.

"My, you're confident today." the bald prince rumbled.

"Anyway, we go quietly, and then one of us creates a diversion. While they're diversioning, the rest of us will… um…"

"And that is as far as you got?" Larten inquired.

"That is as far as I got." Darren confirmed meekly.

"Okay… diversion. I like it." Harkat smiled, patting Darren's knee. "Who will… take care… of that?"

"Seba and I are on it." Paris volunteered. "I personally guarantee they won't know which way to run. You'll have plenty of time to do… whatever you end up doing."

"I vote we go back to being actual Vampires and just knock them the hell out. Y'know, poison breath? Anyone remember that?"

"Oh use your _brain, _Ver Leth. There are too many of them, and we cannot leave witnesses. Not to mention you would be tasered or shot before your first victim is even completely unconscious." Larten corrected.

"We could flit!" Arrow contributed excitedly. "Does anyone remember how to do that?"

"Flitting can only get you so far. Literally, it's not much good against locked and bulletproof doors. Trust me." Paris shot that idea down with a shudder that suggested he was speaking from experience.

"Don't worry, guys." Darren encouraged. "We can still do this. We have almost an hour and a half, that's plenty of t-"

And then, as if on cue, because life just has nothing better to do than shit on Darren Shan, the cell door creaked open once again.

"Up and at 'em, loonies. Shower time's been bumped up. Time to go. And don't look at me like that, Shorty. Those donuts weren't yours."

Harkat glared up at the tubby security guard and gnashed his teeth in a threatening fashion.

"I. DON'T. WANNA. SHOWER." Kurda hollered, digging his nails into the bench.

"Those are four words I never thought I'd hear him say." Mika remarked.

"Of course you do. If you deny your basic prisoner rights, that means paperwork for us. Now move! Don't make me bring out your good friend Mr. Taser…"

"Excuse _me, _I have _no _such emotional attachment to the abominable pain gun of paralyzation." Seba snapped. "And I will thank you to remove your chubby and grubby hands from my arm! I am more than capable of walking under my own power! The NERVE of you gun-toting humans, never before have I seen such ignorance and lack of respect for a member of the noble Vampire clan! A _Quartermaster _no less!"

The guard blinked several times, then assumed a face of rage.

"Who are _you _callin' _chubby_, old man?"

"Seriously? Seba just blew our entire identity and all he got out of it was the word _chubby_? Gods, how are humans _not _extinct?" Mika snorted.

"We can ponder the fate of humanity later, right now we need a _plan!_" Larten hissed as "Chubby" ushered the gang out of the cell.

"I have a plan…" Darren murmured.

"WHAT?" gasped Mika, Arrow, Larten, Paris, and Harkat. Kurda and Seba were too busy protesting shower time to realize what was going on, and Arra was simply sulking.

"Well… it goes like this." the boy prince stalled as the gang was led down the long barred hallway. They were forced to pause when another inmate reached through the bars and grabbed Kurda's arm with great gusto, declaring;

"I shall name him Marvin, and he shall be mine, and he shall be my Marvin."

"Get your own moron." Mika snarled unexpectedly, wrenching his arm away from Kurda and nearly breaking his wrist in the process. "This one's taken."

"Aw. Thanks, Mika." Kurda gulped as his potential assaulter retreated. "If I die of male pattern baldness, I want you to know you're my very most bestest friend."

"I know, man. Um… thanks." Mika muttered awkwardly, patting the blond on the shoulder.

"Nobody's going to die of male pattern baldness. Or Hepatitis Q, because that is not even a real thing. Darren has a plan -about time- and he is going to get us out of here. So, what's the plan, Shan?" said Paris.

"Seba, you brought some snacks along for the road, right?" Darren asked. The old man nodded in agreement and withdrew a handful of mouldy-looking wall moss from each pocket.

"Good. Okay everyone, take a bit." continued firmly in a whisper. Everyone did, despite Seba's threatening growls at the fact that they dared to steal his 'sustenance'. "Now, I want you to rub it all over your faces. Don't miss any spots."

"Daaarrreeen." Kurda whined. "This is like, terribly icky. Bad plan."

"Yeah, remember what this did to Seba? Imagine how it'll affect a normally functioning Vampire." Mika contributed.

"This is Bad News Bears. Really really bad." Arrow confirmed.

"Health effects aside, I fail to see the connection to this and escaping from this dungeon of misery." said Larten.

"Do you _want_ to shower with criminals?" Darren hissed.

Kurda immediately smushed his handful of moss against his face. The rest of the gang begrudgingly followed suit.

"What the hell are you weirdos up to?" the guard snorted, turning around to see his little gang of convicts… breaking out in hives and uncontrollable swelling?

"This. Is. So. Freakin'. Sketchy." Arrow noted as he prodded at his puffy cheek.

"Gods, Larten. If this is permanent, I swear I'll burn the entire Mountain to the ground with you in it." Arra snapped.

"Not possible, it's composed mainly of graphite, slate, and granite." Paris objected politely.

"Never mind. I'm not touching this shit." Arra retorted, flinging her handful at Larten's face.

"Darren. Darren. Darren. I can't feel my face. Darren. Is my face still there? Because I seriously feel like it's gone. SOMEONE TELL ME IS MY FACE STILL THERE?" Kurda sobbed horrifically.

"I can't see it…under all the swelling…but it's _probably…_in there… somewhere." Harkat offered. Kurda then had something that resembled a conniption.

"WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THEM?" roared the prison supervisor, noticing the disruption and immediately rushing over.

"I have no idea." stammered Chubby. "They were fine a second ago!"

"It's a Hepatitis Q outbreak." Paris moaned dramatically. "Trust me, I'm a doctor. There's no hope for us, save the other inmates! We're… _contaminated!_"

The prison guards' looks of pure terror were most likely a direct result of the scene Kurda was making, as he desperately tried to relocate his face.

"Hit the button!" the supervisor ordered. Chubby sprang into action. Well, maybe _sprang _is too strong a word. He made his way over to the wall as fast as he could, where there was a button marked _Immediate Evacuation Notice. _He smashed his thick fist against it with all his might.

"_Code green. Code green. Immediate evacuation in effect for all areas. Code green. Code green." _a mechanized voice barked through the intercom over blaring sirens as lights flashed in every direction. The doors of each and every cell sprung open.

And all hell broke loose.

Harkat immediately climbed Arrow like a tree and sat on his shoulders to avoid being trampled. Darren yelped in fright as a 300lb man ran over his toe, and subsequentially leapt into Larten's arms.

"Down, boy. You are too old for this nonsense. You can run for your life on your own two legs." the orange-haired mentor scoffed, dropping Darren who did indeed proceed to run for his life.

And so they fled, down the shrieking, flashing corridor, surrounded by sweaty fellow criminals whose only concern was to make it out into the light of day before they too became infected with the dreaded Hepatitis Q. Which had apparently just become a real thing. They paused only briefly so that Hakat could slip into the lounge and steal the box of donuts he'd originally targeted. Then out they flew.

"Whath now?" Arrow asked excitedly, despite his swollen tongue. "Ah we goin to break the fenth?"

"Whath ith a tenth?" Larten inquired curiously, mouth equally puffy.

"He meanth _fenth_." Mika replied.

"You justh thaid the thame thing!"

"Fenth!" Mika clarified, pointing at the _fence_."

"_Oh._" said Darren. "I don't know if we hath to break the fenth. I haven't thought thath far yeth."

"Godth dammit Darren! Geth your shith together!" said Arrow.

"Justh gimme a minuth!"

"Hurry, before they call poithon conthrol and thake uth to a whole other facilithy!"

"Oh shith, the supervithor ith pointhing ath us. We gotha _go!_"

"Leth climb the fenth!"

"Therrible idea, they'll tather uth again! Or worth, _shooth _us! With _bulleths!" _

"If we could… just get to… the car." said Harkat. He was the only one who hadn't ingested the moss, therefore his speech was no more affected than usual. The cop car he had earlier commandeered and driven in was parked just on the other side of the fence. So close, yet so far.

"Waith… I think the car ith coming to… _uth!_" Darren gasped.

9 heads turned; and there it was. It was creeping towards them, as if driven by some invisible force. Rolling down the slight incline… picking up speed… and crashing right. Through. The. Fence.

"ITH ITH POTHETHED! THOUCH ITH NOT!" Seba howled. "THE DEMONTH ARE RITHING!"

"It is possessed… touch it not… the demons are rising." Harkat translated casually. "Yes indeed, Seba… now kindly step… aside."

He scrambled towards the vehicle and eagerly swung the door open. He'd left it running, and luckily so. The first thing he noticed was the droplets of water on the gear shift… and then the shiny silver body on the floor.

"GILLBERT!" he hollered in shock and horror, snatching up the fish and plunging him back into his cooler on the passenger seat. The others began piling in - fitting more than 8 people into a 5-seater was a specialty of theirs. Call it supernatural Vampire powers. Larten and Paris started to cram themselves into the front, first removing Gillbert's cooler.

"NO! GILLBERT STAYS!" Harkat bellowed.

"Harkath. There are copth chathing uth. You muth drive. Now." Larten calmly ordered. "We will find you another fith."

"THERE… ARE… NO… FISH… TO… REPLACE… GILLBERT! HOW… MANY… OTHER… FISH… WOULD… DIE… FOR… YOU?"

"Buth… Gillberth ith noth dead." Larten replied in puzzlement.

"How do you… think the car… started moving… on it's own?" Harkat snapped back. "Gillbert jumped… out of his cooler… and landed… on the… gear shift… so the car would… drive! He was willing… to jump to… a certain death… on the floor… if his last act… would be… sending the car to us!"

A shocked silence hung in the overstuffed car as Harkat floored it. The doors were barely closed, Arrow was hanging out a window and clinging to the roof so he wouldn't fall out. Larten looked down at the cooler he had been preparing to fling out the window. The cooler alone took up as much space as two Vampire butts.

"Thith hath to go. We need more room." the orange-haired Vampire declared firmly.

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!" Harkat roared.

But Larten did not toss the cooler out the window. At least not until he'd opened the glove box, removed its contents, and poured the water plus Gillbert into it, and firmly shut it, locking Gillbert safely inside. Only then did he let the massive cooler fly. Then Paris was able to fit comfortably in the front seat next to Larten. Once he was not half-leaned into the back, Arrow was able to slide back into the vehicle and roll his window up.

Harkat exhaled a deep breath and glared over at his friend.

"You better hope… he has enough space… in there."

"Damn. Dinner ith a hero. Gooth thing we didn't turn him into dinner. I wath noth expecting that." Mika commented.

"All hail the hero of the shimmering-scales clan." said Seba dramatically. "Even in death may he be triumphant."

Each and every Vampire and Little Person in the vehicle made the Death's Touch sign, except for one...

"Hurrah." Arra snarked sarcastically. She had elected to not ingest any of the moss, therefore her icy tone was un-slurred as ever. "The reptile happened to fall on the gear shift, next thing you know he'll be a Vampire Prince too."

Mika and Arrow exchanged looks of sudden inspiration.

"Damn, where ith the Thone of Blood when you need ith?" Arrow sighed.

"You idiots." Arra growled. "Now do something to make your mouths return to their normal size? I can't understand any of you, and you've all got hives. Absolutely disgusting."

"We thould go back to the hothpithal." Kurda giggled. "Thath wath fun, even tho ith wathn't anything like Greyth Anathomy."

"Eathy for you to thay!" Arrow gulped. "Thath wath the moth traumathic experienth of my enthire life."

"Yeah… again, my bad." Mika muttered.

"Ith okay, bro. No hard feels." Arrow sighed, patting him on the shoulder. "Pluth, I hath a cool thcar on my thkull now."

"What is it with you and scars? You're gonna wreck your complexion." Kurda gave a little shudder of disgust.

"Kurda, your voith ith back to normal!" Darren gasped in excitement.

"It is? Omigods yay! I thought I was gonna be all gross and lispy forever."

"What did you do? Did you eat something?" Arrow interrogated

"Did you lick a window?" Mika snickered.

"Noo, Mika! Gross. I don't know where these windows have been!" Kurda replied with a pout. "I just put lip gloss on… OMIGOD. MY LIP GLOSS HAS HEALING POWERS."

"Everyone, use the magic lip gloth!" Darren ordered.

"Ughhh, okay." Kurda whined, reluctantly passing his lip gloss around the car.

5 minutes later, tongues were un-swollen and the hives were disappearing.

"Remarkable!" said Paris, eagerly reading the ingredients on the side of the pink tube. "I wonder which one counteracts the moss poison."

"We don't need to know that." Mika growled, furiously wiping every trace of Raspberry Bliss from his lips. "Disgusting ooze. Gods, Kurda. You actually paid money for this?"

"Don't be hatin'. You coulda stayed a puffyface forever. And trust me, that look does _not _suit your hairstyle preferences _at all_."

"That much is true." Mika sighed, leaning back against the seat and rolling his window down.

"So. Where are we going?" Darren inquired. They'd left the cop shop far behind and were now cruising down the highway. "I don't know about you guys, but I could use some actual food. Unless anyone wants to go back for more moss."

"McDonald's?" Arrow suggested immediately.

"Nooo, not the caloriiiieees. Anything but the calories." Kurda wailed, banging his head against the window.

"They have… salads." Harkat gently consoled him.

"Come ooon, Harkie. Everyone knows getting a salad from McDon's is like going to a hooker for a hug." the blonde grumbled.

"You are the expert." Mika shrugged. Kurda slugged him with a pointy little manicured fist.

"HARKAT, TAKE THIS EXIT!" Arra roared unexpectedly. The Little Person jolted in surprise, but swung the car around the curve and down the ramp marked _Airport Road._

"Why're we going to the airport? The Essie and Arra's House are back at the hospital." Kurda asked curiously.

"It's _Larten's _House now." Arra replied snootily. "I am leaving you the RV; I'll send you a bill. I want nothing to do with it. I'm flying home. _Now._"

"But all my stuff is in the Essie! I can't get on a plane without my fuzzy neck wrap!" Kurda panicked.

"Uhm, Kurdie, what she means is she's leaving us. By herself." Arrow clarified.

"Oh." Larten frowned, catching on. "Well then. I suppose this is an appropriate course of action, given how much of a disappointment this getaway has turned out to be for both of us."

"_Hey!_ It wasn't thaaat bad." Darren argued. "I mean, other than the hurricane and Arrow falling off a cliff and the hospital fiasco and getting tasered and arrested and eating moss."

"When you say it like that… it sounds pretty bad." Harkat shrugged as he parked at the airport curb. Arra crawled over Mika, Arrow, and Seba to free herself from the vehicle. She stood on the sidewalk for a moment, locking eyes with Larten.

"Well, Larten Crepsley… I suppose this is goodbye."

"Farewell, Arra Sails. Even in airport security may you be triumphant."

There was a very awkward pause where it appeared that she might bend down to give him a kiss through the open window, but apparently she thought better of it and turned on her heel and stalked away.

"Good riddance." Mika and Arrow broke the silence simultaneously, then exchanged a high-five. Harkat waved merrily at Arra's retreating back. Seba muttered death threats at a limo that cut in front of them. Larten opened the glove box to ensure Gillbert was alive and well. Paris curiously fiddled with the police radio. Kurda admired the gun he'd found under the- oh gods, Kurda had a gun. Larten quickly confiscated it and stashed it under the passenger seat.

As the stolen cop car cruised back onto the highway in the direction of Melanoma Beach Town, Darren exhaled a small sigh of relief: normalcy had returned.

Normal by Vampire standards, anyway.

* * *

Ughghgh. This is what happens when I force myself to write against my will. Also this entire story needs to be done within the next 2 and a half hours so time isn't my friend here.

Arra is gone. Finally. Everyone rejoice.

_"Rhymes With Grape" _is from the movie 21 Jump Street.

The final chapter of this trainwreck will be posted tonight.

Flame away! LOLJK I'll still cut you. Don't even think about it.

See you very soon :)

RXP


	15. Gillbert The Great

Well, here it is. The end that's been 2 years in the making. I think it's more than about time to wrap this story up.

So, 3 reviews. Did everyone else die?

Thanks to everyone who didn't think the last chapter sucked :) I'll never be satisfied, but I'm over it.

I literally RUSHED this like I've never rushed before.

Enjoy?

* * *

By the time the sun was sinking gently over the lake, the gang of 8 had congregated back at their camp site. The Escalade and the RV were safe in the hospital parking lot where they'd been left -albeit coated in parking tickets- but nonetheless in one piece.

Unwisely, Larten's first act as an RV owner was to take the hulking motorhome through the McDonald's drive-thru. His second act was a stop at the nearest garage to replace his side mirrors, which had parted ways with the vehicle at aforementioned drive-thru.

But luckily for Darren, everyone was mainly too tired/suffering the after-effects of tasering to cause their regular chaos. So by the time they gathered around on the beach, most looked in danger of drifting off to sleep. But first, there was something of a ceremony that needed to be held. It was the result of Harkat making a rather big decision.

On the edge of the beach sat the cop car. Gillbert still floated in the glove box, which was open. As were all of the windows. Harkat sat in the passenger seat, holding a large rock.

"Are you sure you wanna do this, buddy?" Darren asked gently. Harkat nodded solemnly.

"We _could_ take him home. We could put water in the Pit of Stakes. He could live there." Arrow gulped, reaching through the window and gently petting the fish.

"No…" Harkat sighed sadly. "This is… right."

"I am proud of you, Harkat Mulds. You are making a most selfless decision." said Larten rather stiffly.

"I owe it to him. We… all do."

"Well, goodbye then, noble Gillbert of the shimmering-scales clan. It has been a pleasure driving with you." Paris saluted the fish.

"Bye Gillbs. Thanks for not getting slime on my hands. You're way prettier than other fishes." Kurda added.

"Now you've got some cool stories to tell at fish parties. It's been fun. Take care, man." said Arrow.

"Tell your wife and kids about us." Mika contributed with a rare grin.

"You are remarkably proficient in the operation of human vehicles. Your driving skills surpass those of Darren Shan. Which is not saying a large amount, but considerable nonetheless, seeing that you are a fish." Larten bestowed a grand compliment.

"Oh come on, he didn't even drive. He just shifted gears and the car _rolled_!" Darren protested.

"Darren!" Harkat yelped.

"Sorry, um, I mean… thank you for your heroic act. I apologize for considering eating you."

"That's better."

"He of the clan of shimmering scales, know that you possess honour and courage worthy of the greatest of Vampires. Your willingness to sacrifice your own life for the good of your travelling companions will be told for centuries to come. All who pass through Vampire Mountain from now on will know of Gillbert the Great." Seba boomed. This moved Harkat to tears. Even Arrow looked misty-eyed. Harkat miraculously held it together, but he looked to be on the edge.

"Lastly, we have made an executive decision to have you declared an honorary Vampire Prince. Although you cannot sit upon a throne alongside your brethren, know that you will be forever with us in spirit. Please accept this pilfered police vehicle as a token of our appreciation. May you and your family enjoy it for many years to come. Swim freely, noble Gillbert the Great."

"Are you ready, Harkat?" Darren asked gently.

"Yes." the Little Person quavered. "Goodbye, Gillbert. You'll always be… my friend."

And he lifted the rock in his thick grey hands, and dropped it on the gas pedal. The engine revved, and the Little Person dove out the window to land safely in Arrow's arms. The car shot forward like a rocket, across the sand and straight into the lake. About 50 feet from shore, it slowly disappeared into the sandy depths.

The Vampires filed onto the dock for a better view; and watched as Gillbert emerged from the window and circled the drowned car once or twice. Within a minute, a second fish appeared. And a third. And a fourth. Soon there was an entire school swirling around the car, darting in and out through the windows.

"They… love it." Harkat snuffled, wiping a tear.

"That was a very thoughtful gift, Harkat." Paris smiled.

"Plus the cops could track us all the way back to the Mountain if we kept that thing." Mika smirked.

"So really, our options were either ditch it in the woods, or give it to the fish." Arrow shrugged.

"I'm glad we gave it to the fishies." Kurda gushed. "And I left them my magic lipgloss, in case they ever accidentally eat that ewwy gooey mouldy moss."

"This was indeed the perfect ending to an imperfect vacation." Larten commented.

"_Perfectly _imperfect." Darren corrected.

"As we always are." Paris smiled.

"I wouldn't change a thing." Darren sniffled. "Like, other than when you guys blow stuff up. That's a public health risk. But other than that… I really really love you all."

"Oh, get a room. I can smell your feelings from here." Mika growled.

"You love feelings." Arrow scoffed. "You're full of them. They just get stuck on the way out sometimes."

"GROUP HUG!" Kurda wailed spontaneously, launching himself at Mika. Arrow piled on, followed by Harkat, Darren, Paris, Larten, and finally Seba. The many-armed hug sank slowly into the sand. When the embrace had run its natural course, each and every boy, Vampire, and Little Person lay comfortably in the sand until the sun was long gone and the stars sparkled overhead.

It was bliss.

Then the mosquitoes came out and they made fast tracks to the RV.

There was a new episode of Criminal Minds on, afterall.

* * *

AND WE HAVE CONCLUSION! Crappy dialogue and all.

I must now break it to you that this will probably be the last of the many-chaptered TVFs (besides**VLV**). This is my last day as a slackoff high school student; this summer I'll have a real job and in September I'll be entering the world of University where I doubt I'll find a lot of writing time. Sob. Plus the quality of TVF is going down and downer as the years go by. I can't do this forever, but God knows I tried.

Don't cry though! I'm not leaving (good luck ever getting rid of me), SB1 and I will finish VLV - she has a laptop now! I also have to wrap up VM Idol if I ever get the motivation. And there will always be random little things to toss into the Deleted Files. And ONESHOTS! Oneshots are so, SO much easier. And better suited to my goldfish-sized attention span.

And there you have it. Pretty anticlimactic for something that's been in the works for 2 years, but I just don't _care _anymore.

Well, I'm heading back to the Avengers fandom where I get at least 10 reviews within an hour of posting shit. Thanks to those of you who've continued to support me even though I'm the world's biggest flake!

Bai.

RXP


End file.
